11th February 2010

Mock exams in progress... what a bundle of stress they are! Even if they're just practice.. it just shows that i will really have to start pulling my socks up if i want to get into a good college!

Had a Biology multiple choice today, and boy did the funniest thing happen.. i had spent all morning revising..
The last hour i had been pouring over a particular exam past paper... doing the first 15 questions with 2 people.. the next few with someone else.. and the last 15 by myself.
Now, as i entered the exam room...i happened to see the back of the question papers that the teacher was holding. It was a graph.. a suspiciously familiar looking graph.. 'No, its probably just the same question..' i thought. As soon as the Madame put it down in front of me, i quickly checked the date, and nearly burst out laughing. For it was the exact same past paper i had been revising from earlier...and going through the questions, i realized that i had each one memorized.. so to say i knew everything. I finished the whole thing in less than 20 minutes. At that point i kept glancing around me to see how far everyone else was, just to see if it was o.k for me to leave yet.. so, deciding it certainly wasn't..i went back and looked through every question. i even changed the answer to about 1 or 2 questions,.. so it wouldn't look as if i was cheating or anything.. which i wasn't! So, with about 35 minutes to go.. i decided it was ok for me to leave. To be quite frank, i was severely disappointed...i was expecting, and craving a bit of a challenge.. but i got something so simple it was almost a bore...and that's saying a lot because i am absolutely fascinated by science.

Mom's coming out on Saturday.. the day before valentine's day.. what a day. I absolutely cannot wait, for it would have been about 2 and a half months since i last saw her.. I've truly missed her so much, in a way I'm scared to see her because i wouldn't know how to react... i might cry my heart out.. i really don't know. Things can finally go back to normal now, after all the awkwardness has settled.

I'm happy to say that my nightly depressions have subsided for now... for i may have the slightest possibility, of maybe having a teeny weeny bit of a crush. Someone who holds an attraction for me that i just can not explain.. i see him, and i know there's something in him that attracts me, but it's frustrating 'coz i don't know what it is. He's breathtakingly handsome.. but there's something more. Something a lot deeper within him that stirs something deep inside of me.. a bit of a cliche saying, but it's true. What's even more frustrating is that i know nothing can ever happen.. yet i don't mind, for now i just look and admire... indulge myself in his good looks. That's all i need, it's enough to keep me satisfied.. and enough for me not to long after him. So to say, i'm pretty much at a good place right now!

A very strange, and unexpected occurrence happened the other day... Gary, of all people, Mr high and mighty himself, engaged me in conversation. Not full on, flowing conversation.. but he would make the odd comment now and then, we'd laugh about it.. talk a bit.. silence. Another comment.. etc. It's quite nice to be honest... because he's actually an interesting person.. and i find myself thinking of what his opinions would be on certain things. He also seems more nice to me in school, like, the other day he came out of a classroom holding a chair, saw me walking towards the same class, also for the need of a chair. He went back in, came out and said 'here, i got one for you..' I must say, it certainly is great knowing that there are still some gentlemen out there!

The other day i began speaking to an ex 'one-nighter', and it was so awesome. I realise that i'd been paranoid about a lot of things, and it was just cool talking to him because he really is a great guy... and he's funny, which is of course a major browny point. However, a few days ago he began telling me about the fact that he's depressed, because he'd just told the love of his life that he can't talk to her anymore because it hurts too much. It's long distance, and basically she'd just been using him, and blatantly told him that this country he lives in, is absolute shit, and she's not gonna waste her valuable time coming here. He was just so sad, of course my caring instinct took over and tried every piece of advice i could muster, but it just seemed to make it worse. Or maybe not, but that's how it seemed to me. Now he's on a self-righteous path to becoming more buff, and determined to do numerous amounts of things to make her jealous. I told him what i thought about it, but, if it helps him on his route to recovery.. then, why not? He is my friend, no matter what our history had been, he's still my friend.

Yesterday, i let one of my closest friends in on a secret i was determined not to have anyone know. Only two people knew, and it was just because i just couldn't keep it in for much longer, and i seeked advice that only they could give me.

Afraid this is all I'm going to have to write for now, i am quite tried, and a bit peeved that someone just kept badgering me on my virginity...and accusing me of lying and going on on a rant about how horrible liars are. I don't think my virginity has anything to do with him.. maybe he was being funny, because that's the kind of guy he is, but i really didn't appreciate it. I have had enough liars in my life as it is, liars who have torn me apart and broken my heart. Liars who have shredded my hopes and dreams, and blatantly stomped on them and tossed them around like dirty garbage. So please don't lecture me on liars and expect me to act shocked and suddenly pathetic. I know this may be overreacting, but seeing as i am at a emotional part of the month, i felt like my feelings should be expressed one way or another. Whether he can read this or not, whatever.

PS: i do get confused, and write weird things that might not make sense, but that's just who i am, if you cannot understand me, or believe me then so be it. I am no liar. I actually consider myself one of the few true people out there, i mean, i do make the little odd white lie now and again, but then who doesn't. Gosh.. i really am out on a limb here aren't i? Right, I've realized i have overreacted.. and i shall leave this post before i go on to write something truly horrible. I guess now i look back at the conversation i just had, i realise it was just a bit of mockery. All the same, everything still implies to anyone willing to don me a liar.

Goodnight, i am off to lala land, to dream about a certain someone, things that can only ever happen in my dreams.
Nezzy
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