25th February 2010

Haven't written anything for a while now, what can i say... a lot has happened this past while.

I know I probably sound depressive but it feels like i've been so close to just giving up on everything. I don't know why i feel like this... i think it's just because it's all been building up, and iI guess it's started to get a bit too much. I had a breakdown tuesday, was just having a fucking shitty day. I was put on report... because i haven't been able to finish all my work on time, and i had missed two music lessons last week... but i had mock exams.. we had no lessons... can you really blame me for missing them to revise? Yes, i didn't ask the teacher if we i should go to the lessons or not... i know i'm at fault there, and believe me i know it.
I just can't help but feel as if my punisher is just coming down on me a bit too hard. As if i'm the major culprit for things that have been going wrong lately. Should i tell her what's been going on, is it worth it? Would telling her the reason i've been so messed up the last few months really change anything? I do not know.

Along with this, I've erased one of my 'closest', longest known friends from my life. I've had enough of her using me. The punisher came down on me hard on this topic as well, making me feel absolute shite, as if the reason she's isolating herself from everyone is my fault. It made me feel as if i was the most horrid person in the world...it's not my fault, or any of your business if i chose to stop talking to her. It's my personal business... If other people in the class aren't talking to her, that's their issues. I don't have anything to do with that.. i did not pin them against her. What they do is their own decisions...besides, nobody besides me has basically been purposefully isolating her. If anything she's removed herself from social gatherings. So, do not blame me for things i cannot control. I haven't talked about her that much, I've minorly discussed her with my closest friends... but when one needs to talk, you can't let them keep everything in their head, that kind of pressure would surely drive someone insane. I haven't dissed her, or been cruel to her in class... I have simply just discussed my issues with her. I know it is probably bad of me to do so, i can't help it, i'm one of those people who need to talk. I've been keeping too much inside for too long. I'm sorry for the fact that I'm putting her in coventry, but i have my own reasons. I'm fed up. I'v had too much... and this just piles onto the already overflowing matter already occupying my head.

I'm sorry, but i'm going to try my best not to let these issues disturb my mental well being anymore. I sound like a downright bitch, but I just can't handle anymore drama. I can't handle anymore complications... for I really might just crack.