2nd February 2010

The past two weeks have felt so heavy on my mind; not much has happened, but stress with the upcoming exams, my mom being locked away... everything just felt like it's getting a bit too much. The fact I am so self-conscious, and unsure about myself also doesn't help... I think I just need a bit of change in routine. I'm better now though, I'm quite strong I guess... I just put it all behind closed doors. Although sometimes in the evenings when I'm alone and not chatting to anybody, everything caves in and i get a tad bit depressed. Like hail on a harsh tin roof, it all tends to hit me hard, but just in the evenings.
I've found a slight resolution though...My guitar. It just, makes me so so happy, I cannot describe it. I don't know all the notes too well, but i reckon that I have a pretty good knack for playing it.
Also been listening to quite a lot of 'Just jinjer' lately, Love it. Got a CD from Pipsy yesterday with a shit load of Jazz music on it. Surprisingly... I ADORE it. I mean, it has artists on it that I love, artists such as Jamie Cullum, The script...etc...and some interesting new ones along with them. Think my taste in music's starting to change course a bit... oooh...
Love Pipsy so much... she's probably one of the most sincere, truest people I've ever met. Glad I've met someone like her here! ... Not that the others here are bad... Gaya-razzi, Joey... Dan, Banana.. Fried chicken..Vivi... u guys rock my world.. and that's saying a lot. Whoops! Nearly forgot my far-away friends, Jackaroo.. Taylor.. you guys are just too awesome to put into words.

I'm quite happy with my position here in Arusha right now...not hated by anyone..That I know of anyway...

It's pissing me off so much right now. Such a fucking little contradictory hypocrite. Can't ever make up it's fucking mind about what it really wants. Then it goes and moans about all the teeniest, shitty things that make it's life so unbearable. As if we all want to hear all that shit. It needs to get it's head screwed on properly and get on with it's life. Take a trip back into reality and realise that you've got to make the most out of life, and don't just sit there on your ass and complain about every single, dainty little thing in this oh so miserable life of yours.

OK, enough venting about annoying people.

Hmm.. guys, guys, guys, guys guys! What can I say about them? I have none in my life.. in the romantic department anyway. Absolutely no one...it seems they all think I'm not good enough! Hah.. !I, on the other hand...think it's the other way around. Hence the reason I'm not exactly 'interested' in anyone here. I do, however have quite a bunch of guys as friends, and I absolutely love them to bits. They really help keep me grounded, when the urge to fly away gets so bad that even my closest girlfriends can't drag me back down to earth. I really appreciate them.
I've also come to realise how dear my cousins are to me. My newly remembered ones, WC and Dries especially. Already I feel closer to them than to Pierre or Jacques...And I've barely been in contact with them for a year.

Jacques is just a lost case, it's as if he doesn't even care anymore. It's all his fiance's fault. Dragging him away, distancing him from his family. Stupid cow... I don't dislike people this easily, but I dislike her so much I can feel the heat pulsing off my skin, all simply for that reason. How dare she... wish he would see through her and come back to us..I respect the fact he may be in love, but I don't understand how he can't see what she's doing. I guess love really is blind after all.. but what would I know, Ive never been in love.
I really miss him so much...him and Pierre were like older brothers to me since I was 2 year's old. Wish I could see them all together again, and they can cuddle me and we can have awesome times like we used to. I miss those times so much it aches... I haven't seen WC or Dries since I was two, I saw them last year for the first time since. I truly love them so much... even if we haven't exactly spent that much time together. We talk on facebook though, I feel so close to them now... Gosh, I really truly miss my family. Can't wait to go to South Africa again... my heart will be satisfied then. It's indescribable how much I miss them, it takes up a whole chunk of my heart... I can't even describe the passion I have for my country, even with all it's messed up politics... and presidents.. and corruption.
I miss my mom also... and my older sister, wish it was possible to travel back in time. I could've stopped so many bad things from happening...
Right, random thought here... Gary* must be one of the most handsome, most gorgeous guys I have ever seen... with his shirt off he's a god. No kidding.. but why, why must he be so flippin arrogant...and that lousy attitude of his doesn't do him justice. Sure, Arusha may not be the best town in Africa... it has great people...and you still go out and chill with your 'homies', so stop bloody acting like you're God almighty.. and that you walk on water and lie high above anyone else. Cut. It. Out. Let your nice side take over...
Here's another random thought... considering I'm not getting attached to Billy*, after everything.. is deeply worrying. I mean, we're talking about Inez here, who tends to fall for the tiniest of gestures.. Why on earth, after this huge thing... am I, not getting attached? Like any other normal teenage girl would. What's wrong with me... I don't even have an inkling of feeling for him. I mean, I think he's great... he's a really nice, cool guy...and don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic from the fact that I don't like him that way... But I mean, surely I must be a bit mental? He's 'hot' after all... yes... I think I should definitely be locked away in an insane asylum... where I can fly with the pretty little birdies and they can teach me how to finally think straight.

Yet... I find myself slowly crawling towards another body... I try to deny it. But, you gotta face the truth sometime right? It's not a crush.. oh no.. just a slight.. teeny interest.. from a lonely girl who seeks a bit of comfort from another body. A body to cuddle me when watching movies... someone to tell me everything's going to be alright.. and someone to make me feel cute and special when my clumsy ways take action when I spill the cup of tea... walk into the table, or trip over my feet. Blah... if only life were so simple. Because for now I'll just leave my dreams, as overrated, and exaggerated as they may be... and hope that maybe one day, just maybe, my wishes will get answered... and maybe even come true.

This is the complex mind of a seventeen year old girl. The first journal entry I'm posting on here from yours truly... expect the unexpected! In which case means you should expect more... more writing! Mwahaha... whether you like it or not.
Over and out!
Nezzy x