Haven't written anything for a while now, what can i say... a lot has happened this past while.
I know I probably sound depressive but it feels like i've been so close to just giving up on everything. I don't know why i feel like this... i think it's just because it's all been building up, and iI guess it's started to get a bit too much. I had a breakdown tuesday, was just having a fucking shitty day. I was put on report... because i haven't been able to finish all my work on time, and i had missed two music lessons last week... but i had mock exams.. we had no lessons... can you really blame me for missing them to revise? Yes, i didn't ask the teacher if we i should go to the lessons or not... i know i'm at fault there, and believe me i know it.
I just can't help but feel as if my punisher is just coming down on me a bit too hard. As if i'm the major culprit for things that have been going wrong lately. Should i tell her what's been going on, is it worth it? Would telling her the reason i've been so messed up the last few months really change anything? I do not know.
Along with this, I've erased one of my 'closest', longest known friends from my life. I've had enough of her using me. The punisher came down on me hard on this topic as well, making me feel absolute shite, as if the reason she's isolating herself from everyone is my fault. It made me feel as if i was the most horrid person in the world...it's not my fault, or any of your business if i chose to stop talking to her. It's my personal business... If other people in the class aren't talking to her, that's their issues. I don't have anything to do with that.. i did not pin them against her. What they do is their own decisions...besides, nobody besides me has basically been purposefully isolating her. If anything she's removed herself from social gatherings. So, do not blame me for things i cannot control. I haven't talked about her that much, I've minorly discussed her with my closest friends... but when one needs to talk, you can't let them keep everything in their head, that kind of pressure would surely drive someone insane. I haven't dissed her, or been cruel to her in class... I have simply just discussed my issues with her. I know it is probably bad of me to do so, i can't help it, i'm one of those people who need to talk. I've been keeping too much inside for too long. I'm sorry for the fact that I'm putting her in coventry, but i have my own reasons. I'm fed up. I'v had too much... and this just piles onto the already overflowing matter already occupying my head.
I'm sorry, but i'm going to try my best not to let these issues disturb my mental well being anymore. I sound like a downright bitch, but I just can't handle anymore drama. I can't handle anymore complications... for I really might just crack.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
13th February 2010
This morning my mom told me something that filled me with internal sunshine and glee. I had been telling her all about me starting a blog, and writing a s***load of stuff on it every week. She then told me that at my last school, the teachers would always tell her what a talented writer I am, and that I should definitely consider taking a course in it. Apparently they had been telling her this since I was in grade one, up until I left the school in grade 7. To be honest, it not only pleased me to hear this, but it also surprised me. I've never really considered myself as an especially talented writer. I guess it's up to those reading my works whether I should be put under talented or not.
Today's the day right before Valentine's day, and yet again, I find myself with no valentine by my side. For once though, I really don't mind... it just doesn't seem that important. I mean, I've possibly got the greatest group of people as my friends and family...and I've got my mom back. For those reasons alone I am ecstatic. Relieved that my mom is alright, and that that little piece of my heart has been restored. As cheesy as that may sound.
A huge surprise awaited me yesterday when I got home. It was late afternoon, and my little sister and I had just come back from Young Life ( a club we go to for a bit of fun...). I knew my dad wasn't home yet, he only comes home around 5pm, and besides.. his car wasn't even the driveway. However, as I crossed the threshold into my house, I saw my sister hugging someone ahead of me in the hallway. At first I was overcome with confusion, 'had dad come home earlier?' I thought.. and where was his car? However, as I looked a bit more closely I saw a more frail, yet glowing image of my mom. I really though I was seeing things at first... but then I was so overcome by emotion I thought I'd explode. I burst out with a wild cry and ran into her welcoming embrace. I hugged her tightly as I sobbed loudly, and rhythmically against her chest. I had missed her so much, it was so, so good to see her. She's finally home now, so I'm fine in that area of my psyche...and just so relieved she's alright!
I have a certain member of the male species lingering in my thoughts. I can't get rid of it no matter how hard I try; but, if it keeps that part inside of my happy, why get rid of it? Every now and then I would get a flurry of butterflies erupt deep inside my midriff, and spread out along my bloodstream. I suppose that it's a bit sad though, because I know that nothing can ever happen from this...But I have accepted this fact a long time ago, so it doesn't ever really cause me any really pain. Someone like him, such a phenomenal person, with absolute mind-aching beauty.... He won't ever look twice in the direction of meager old me, with my less than perfect appearance, and rather weird persona. I am no extraordinary beauty. I can't ever measure up to that level of greatness his aura gives off. However, simply having his conversation, his gaze on mine at those rare times our eyes meet coincidentally...and being in the same air as he.. It makes me giddy with joy. As I said the other day, this is all I need to keep myself in high spirits.
This past week's just been awesome in it's own way...even with exams, stress, art coursework in need of completion.. It was somehow one of those rare times in your life where the majority of things just seems to go as you want it. Obviously not all of it does, but most of it. I am so happy right now, not overly ecstatic, but content... purely content. Even with pressure, no boyfriend.. no real love life, and the occasional bouts of self-consciousness spilling out every now and then. I've got amazing people in my life...and that's possibly more than I could ever ask for. All you basically need is someone there for you, to care for you... and when you've got a fair amount of these, I'd say you're pretty damned lucky. Plus, I've got a crush.. something I haven't had in eons...a motivation to get up every day, and really make an effort with my appearance. Aaah, the benefits of falling for someone...
So, here I am.. holding a glass of red champagne.... and making to toast to all you glorious people out there, who succeed in making my life just that little bit more awesome each day. May your day be filled with love, sunshine and lots of butterflies. Happy Valentine's day!
Nezzy xx
Today's the day right before Valentine's day, and yet again, I find myself with no valentine by my side. For once though, I really don't mind... it just doesn't seem that important. I mean, I've possibly got the greatest group of people as my friends and family...and I've got my mom back. For those reasons alone I am ecstatic. Relieved that my mom is alright, and that that little piece of my heart has been restored. As cheesy as that may sound.
A huge surprise awaited me yesterday when I got home. It was late afternoon, and my little sister and I had just come back from Young Life ( a club we go to for a bit of fun...). I knew my dad wasn't home yet, he only comes home around 5pm, and besides.. his car wasn't even the driveway. However, as I crossed the threshold into my house, I saw my sister hugging someone ahead of me in the hallway. At first I was overcome with confusion, 'had dad come home earlier?' I thought.. and where was his car? However, as I looked a bit more closely I saw a more frail, yet glowing image of my mom. I really though I was seeing things at first... but then I was so overcome by emotion I thought I'd explode. I burst out with a wild cry and ran into her welcoming embrace. I hugged her tightly as I sobbed loudly, and rhythmically against her chest. I had missed her so much, it was so, so good to see her. She's finally home now, so I'm fine in that area of my psyche...and just so relieved she's alright!
I have a certain member of the male species lingering in my thoughts. I can't get rid of it no matter how hard I try; but, if it keeps that part inside of my happy, why get rid of it? Every now and then I would get a flurry of butterflies erupt deep inside my midriff, and spread out along my bloodstream. I suppose that it's a bit sad though, because I know that nothing can ever happen from this...But I have accepted this fact a long time ago, so it doesn't ever really cause me any really pain. Someone like him, such a phenomenal person, with absolute mind-aching beauty.... He won't ever look twice in the direction of meager old me, with my less than perfect appearance, and rather weird persona. I am no extraordinary beauty. I can't ever measure up to that level of greatness his aura gives off. However, simply having his conversation, his gaze on mine at those rare times our eyes meet coincidentally...and being in the same air as he.. It makes me giddy with joy. As I said the other day, this is all I need to keep myself in high spirits.
This past week's just been awesome in it's own way...even with exams, stress, art coursework in need of completion.. It was somehow one of those rare times in your life where the majority of things just seems to go as you want it. Obviously not all of it does, but most of it. I am so happy right now, not overly ecstatic, but content... purely content. Even with pressure, no boyfriend.. no real love life, and the occasional bouts of self-consciousness spilling out every now and then. I've got amazing people in my life...and that's possibly more than I could ever ask for. All you basically need is someone there for you, to care for you... and when you've got a fair amount of these, I'd say you're pretty damned lucky. Plus, I've got a crush.. something I haven't had in eons...a motivation to get up every day, and really make an effort with my appearance. Aaah, the benefits of falling for someone...
So, here I am.. holding a glass of red champagne.... and making to toast to all you glorious people out there, who succeed in making my life just that little bit more awesome each day. May your day be filled with love, sunshine and lots of butterflies. Happy Valentine's day!
Nezzy xx
Thursday, February 11, 2010
11th February 2010
Mock exams in progress... what a bundle of stress they are! Even if they're just practice.. it just shows that i will really have to start pulling my socks up if i want to get into a good college!
Had a Biology multiple choice today, and boy did the funniest thing happen.. i had spent all morning revising..
The last hour i had been pouring over a particular exam past paper... doing the first 15 questions with 2 people.. the next few with someone else.. and the last 15 by myself.
Now, as i entered the exam room...i happened to see the back of the question papers that the teacher was holding. It was a graph.. a suspiciously familiar looking graph.. 'No, its probably just the same question..' i thought. As soon as the Madame put it down in front of me, i quickly checked the date, and nearly burst out laughing. For it was the exact same past paper i had been revising from earlier...and going through the questions, i realized that i had each one memorized.. so to say i knew everything. I finished the whole thing in less than 20 minutes. At that point i kept glancing around me to see how far everyone else was, just to see if it was o.k for me to leave yet.. so, deciding it certainly wasn't..i went back and looked through every question. i even changed the answer to about 1 or 2 questions,.. so it wouldn't look as if i was cheating or anything.. which i wasn't! So, with about 35 minutes to go.. i decided it was ok for me to leave. To be quite frank, i was severely disappointed...i was expecting, and craving a bit of a challenge.. but i got something so simple it was almost a bore...and that's saying a lot because i am absolutely fascinated by science.
Mom's coming out on Saturday.. the day before valentine's day.. what a day. I absolutely cannot wait, for it would have been about 2 and a half months since i last saw her.. I've truly missed her so much, in a way I'm scared to see her because i wouldn't know how to react... i might cry my heart out.. i really don't know. Things can finally go back to normal now, after all the awkwardness has settled.
I'm happy to say that my nightly depressions have subsided for now... for i may have the slightest possibility, of maybe having a teeny weeny bit of a crush. Someone who holds an attraction for me that i just can not explain.. i see him, and i know there's something in him that attracts me, but it's frustrating 'coz i don't know what it is. He's breathtakingly handsome.. but there's something more. Something a lot deeper within him that stirs something deep inside of me.. a bit of a cliche saying, but it's true. What's even more frustrating is that i know nothing can ever happen.. yet i don't mind, for now i just look and admire... indulge myself in his good looks. That's all i need, it's enough to keep me satisfied.. and enough for me not to long after him. So to say, i'm pretty much at a good place right now!
A very strange, and unexpected occurrence happened the other day... Gary, of all people, Mr high and mighty himself, engaged me in conversation. Not full on, flowing conversation.. but he would make the odd comment now and then, we'd laugh about it.. talk a bit.. silence. Another comment.. etc. It's quite nice to be honest... because he's actually an interesting person.. and i find myself thinking of what his opinions would be on certain things. He also seems more nice to me in school, like, the other day he came out of a classroom holding a chair, saw me walking towards the same class, also for the need of a chair. He went back in, came out and said 'here, i got one for you..' I must say, it certainly is great knowing that there are still some gentlemen out there!
The other day i began speaking to an ex 'one-nighter', and it was so awesome. I realise that i'd been paranoid about a lot of things, and it was just cool talking to him because he really is a great guy... and he's funny, which is of course a major browny point. However, a few days ago he began telling me about the fact that he's depressed, because he'd just told the love of his life that he can't talk to her anymore because it hurts too much. It's long distance, and basically she'd just been using him, and blatantly told him that this country he lives in, is absolute shit, and she's not gonna waste her valuable time coming here. He was just so sad, of course my caring instinct took over and tried every piece of advice i could muster, but it just seemed to make it worse. Or maybe not, but that's how it seemed to me. Now he's on a self-righteous path to becoming more buff, and determined to do numerous amounts of things to make her jealous. I told him what i thought about it, but, if it helps him on his route to recovery.. then, why not? He is my friend, no matter what our history had been, he's still my friend.
Yesterday, i let one of my closest friends in on a secret i was determined not to have anyone know. Only two people knew, and it was just because i just couldn't keep it in for much longer, and i seeked advice that only they could give me.
Afraid this is all I'm going to have to write for now, i am quite tried, and a bit peeved that someone just kept badgering me on my virginity...and accusing me of lying and going on on a rant about how horrible liars are. I don't think my virginity has anything to do with him.. maybe he was being funny, because that's the kind of guy he is, but i really didn't appreciate it. I have had enough liars in my life as it is, liars who have torn me apart and broken my heart. Liars who have shredded my hopes and dreams, and blatantly stomped on them and tossed them around like dirty garbage. So please don't lecture me on liars and expect me to act shocked and suddenly pathetic. I know this may be overreacting, but seeing as i am at a emotional part of the month, i felt like my feelings should be expressed one way or another. Whether he can read this or not, whatever.
PS: i do get confused, and write weird things that might not make sense, but that's just who i am, if you cannot understand me, or believe me then so be it. I am no liar. I actually consider myself one of the few true people out there, i mean, i do make the little odd white lie now and again, but then who doesn't. Gosh.. i really am out on a limb here aren't i? Right, I've realized i have overreacted.. and i shall leave this post before i go on to write something truly horrible. I guess now i look back at the conversation i just had, i realise it was just a bit of mockery. All the same, everything still implies to anyone willing to don me a liar.
Goodnight, i am off to lala land, to dream about a certain someone, things that can only ever happen in my dreams.
Nezzy
x
Had a Biology multiple choice today, and boy did the funniest thing happen.. i had spent all morning revising..
The last hour i had been pouring over a particular exam past paper... doing the first 15 questions with 2 people.. the next few with someone else.. and the last 15 by myself.
Now, as i entered the exam room...i happened to see the back of the question papers that the teacher was holding. It was a graph.. a suspiciously familiar looking graph.. 'No, its probably just the same question..' i thought. As soon as the Madame put it down in front of me, i quickly checked the date, and nearly burst out laughing. For it was the exact same past paper i had been revising from earlier...and going through the questions, i realized that i had each one memorized.. so to say i knew everything. I finished the whole thing in less than 20 minutes. At that point i kept glancing around me to see how far everyone else was, just to see if it was o.k for me to leave yet.. so, deciding it certainly wasn't..i went back and looked through every question. i even changed the answer to about 1 or 2 questions,.. so it wouldn't look as if i was cheating or anything.. which i wasn't! So, with about 35 minutes to go.. i decided it was ok for me to leave. To be quite frank, i was severely disappointed...i was expecting, and craving a bit of a challenge.. but i got something so simple it was almost a bore...and that's saying a lot because i am absolutely fascinated by science.
Mom's coming out on Saturday.. the day before valentine's day.. what a day. I absolutely cannot wait, for it would have been about 2 and a half months since i last saw her.. I've truly missed her so much, in a way I'm scared to see her because i wouldn't know how to react... i might cry my heart out.. i really don't know. Things can finally go back to normal now, after all the awkwardness has settled.
I'm happy to say that my nightly depressions have subsided for now... for i may have the slightest possibility, of maybe having a teeny weeny bit of a crush. Someone who holds an attraction for me that i just can not explain.. i see him, and i know there's something in him that attracts me, but it's frustrating 'coz i don't know what it is. He's breathtakingly handsome.. but there's something more. Something a lot deeper within him that stirs something deep inside of me.. a bit of a cliche saying, but it's true. What's even more frustrating is that i know nothing can ever happen.. yet i don't mind, for now i just look and admire... indulge myself in his good looks. That's all i need, it's enough to keep me satisfied.. and enough for me not to long after him. So to say, i'm pretty much at a good place right now!
A very strange, and unexpected occurrence happened the other day... Gary, of all people, Mr high and mighty himself, engaged me in conversation. Not full on, flowing conversation.. but he would make the odd comment now and then, we'd laugh about it.. talk a bit.. silence. Another comment.. etc. It's quite nice to be honest... because he's actually an interesting person.. and i find myself thinking of what his opinions would be on certain things. He also seems more nice to me in school, like, the other day he came out of a classroom holding a chair, saw me walking towards the same class, also for the need of a chair. He went back in, came out and said 'here, i got one for you..' I must say, it certainly is great knowing that there are still some gentlemen out there!
The other day i began speaking to an ex 'one-nighter', and it was so awesome. I realise that i'd been paranoid about a lot of things, and it was just cool talking to him because he really is a great guy... and he's funny, which is of course a major browny point. However, a few days ago he began telling me about the fact that he's depressed, because he'd just told the love of his life that he can't talk to her anymore because it hurts too much. It's long distance, and basically she'd just been using him, and blatantly told him that this country he lives in, is absolute shit, and she's not gonna waste her valuable time coming here. He was just so sad, of course my caring instinct took over and tried every piece of advice i could muster, but it just seemed to make it worse. Or maybe not, but that's how it seemed to me. Now he's on a self-righteous path to becoming more buff, and determined to do numerous amounts of things to make her jealous. I told him what i thought about it, but, if it helps him on his route to recovery.. then, why not? He is my friend, no matter what our history had been, he's still my friend.
Yesterday, i let one of my closest friends in on a secret i was determined not to have anyone know. Only two people knew, and it was just because i just couldn't keep it in for much longer, and i seeked advice that only they could give me.
Afraid this is all I'm going to have to write for now, i am quite tried, and a bit peeved that someone just kept badgering me on my virginity...and accusing me of lying and going on on a rant about how horrible liars are. I don't think my virginity has anything to do with him.. maybe he was being funny, because that's the kind of guy he is, but i really didn't appreciate it. I have had enough liars in my life as it is, liars who have torn me apart and broken my heart. Liars who have shredded my hopes and dreams, and blatantly stomped on them and tossed them around like dirty garbage. So please don't lecture me on liars and expect me to act shocked and suddenly pathetic. I know this may be overreacting, but seeing as i am at a emotional part of the month, i felt like my feelings should be expressed one way or another. Whether he can read this or not, whatever.
PS: i do get confused, and write weird things that might not make sense, but that's just who i am, if you cannot understand me, or believe me then so be it. I am no liar. I actually consider myself one of the few true people out there, i mean, i do make the little odd white lie now and again, but then who doesn't. Gosh.. i really am out on a limb here aren't i? Right, I've realized i have overreacted.. and i shall leave this post before i go on to write something truly horrible. I guess now i look back at the conversation i just had, i realise it was just a bit of mockery. All the same, everything still implies to anyone willing to don me a liar.
Goodnight, i am off to lala land, to dream about a certain someone, things that can only ever happen in my dreams.
Nezzy
x
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
2nd February 2010
The past two weeks have felt so heavy on my mind; not much has happened, but stress with the upcoming exams, my mom being locked away... everything just felt like it's getting a bit too much. The fact I am so self-conscious, and unsure about myself also doesn't help... I think I just need a bit of change in routine. I'm better now though, I'm quite strong I guess... I just put it all behind closed doors. Although sometimes in the evenings when I'm alone and not chatting to anybody, everything caves in and i get a tad bit depressed. Like hail on a harsh tin roof, it all tends to hit me hard, but just in the evenings.
I've found a slight resolution though...My guitar. It just, makes me so so happy, I cannot describe it. I don't know all the notes too well, but i reckon that I have a pretty good knack for playing it.
Also been listening to quite a lot of 'Just jinjer' lately, Love it. Got a CD from Pipsy yesterday with a shit load of Jazz music on it. Surprisingly... I ADORE it. I mean, it has artists on it that I love, artists such as Jamie Cullum, The script...etc...and some interesting new ones along with them. Think my taste in music's starting to change course a bit... oooh...
Love Pipsy so much... she's probably one of the most sincere, truest people I've ever met. Glad I've met someone like her here! ... Not that the others here are bad... Gaya-razzi, Joey... Dan, Banana.. Fried chicken..Vivi... u guys rock my world.. and that's saying a lot. Whoops! Nearly forgot my far-away friends, Jackaroo.. Taylor.. you guys are just too awesome to put into words.
I'm quite happy with my position here in Arusha right now...not hated by anyone..That I know of anyway...
It's pissing me off so much right now. Such a fucking little contradictory hypocrite. Can't ever make up it's fucking mind about what it really wants. Then it goes and moans about all the teeniest, shitty things that make it's life so unbearable. As if we all want to hear all that shit. It needs to get it's head screwed on properly and get on with it's life. Take a trip back into reality and realise that you've got to make the most out of life, and don't just sit there on your ass and complain about every single, dainty little thing in this oh so miserable life of yours.
OK, enough venting about annoying people.
Hmm.. guys, guys, guys, guys guys! What can I say about them? I have none in my life.. in the romantic department anyway. Absolutely no one...it seems they all think I'm not good enough! Hah.. !I, on the other hand...think it's the other way around. Hence the reason I'm not exactly 'interested' in anyone here. I do, however have quite a bunch of guys as friends, and I absolutely love them to bits. They really help keep me grounded, when the urge to fly away gets so bad that even my closest girlfriends can't drag me back down to earth. I really appreciate them.
I've also come to realise how dear my cousins are to me. My newly remembered ones, WC and Dries especially. Already I feel closer to them than to Pierre or Jacques...And I've barely been in contact with them for a year.
Jacques is just a lost case, it's as if he doesn't even care anymore. It's all his fiance's fault. Dragging him away, distancing him from his family. Stupid cow... I don't dislike people this easily, but I dislike her so much I can feel the heat pulsing off my skin, all simply for that reason. How dare she... wish he would see through her and come back to us..I respect the fact he may be in love, but I don't understand how he can't see what she's doing. I guess love really is blind after all.. but what would I know, Ive never been in love.
I really miss him so much...him and Pierre were like older brothers to me since I was 2 year's old. Wish I could see them all together again, and they can cuddle me and we can have awesome times like we used to. I miss those times so much it aches... I haven't seen WC or Dries since I was two, I saw them last year for the first time since. I truly love them so much... even if we haven't exactly spent that much time together. We talk on facebook though, I feel so close to them now... Gosh, I really truly miss my family. Can't wait to go to South Africa again... my heart will be satisfied then. It's indescribable how much I miss them, it takes up a whole chunk of my heart... I can't even describe the passion I have for my country, even with all it's messed up politics... and presidents.. and corruption.
I miss my mom also... and my older sister, wish it was possible to travel back in time. I could've stopped so many bad things from happening...
Right, random thought here... Gary* must be one of the most handsome, most gorgeous guys I have ever seen... with his shirt off he's a god. No kidding.. but why, why must he be so flippin arrogant...and that lousy attitude of his doesn't do him justice. Sure, Arusha may not be the best town in Africa... it has great people...and you still go out and chill with your 'homies', so stop bloody acting like you're God almighty.. and that you walk on water and lie high above anyone else. Cut. It. Out. Let your nice side take over...
Here's another random thought... considering I'm not getting attached to Billy*, after everything.. is deeply worrying. I mean, we're talking about Inez here, who tends to fall for the tiniest of gestures.. Why on earth, after this huge thing... am I, not getting attached? Like any other normal teenage girl would. What's wrong with me... I don't even have an inkling of feeling for him. I mean, I think he's great... he's a really nice, cool guy...and don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic from the fact that I don't like him that way... But I mean, surely I must be a bit mental? He's 'hot' after all... yes... I think I should definitely be locked away in an insane asylum... where I can fly with the pretty little birdies and they can teach me how to finally think straight.
Yet... I find myself slowly crawling towards another body... I try to deny it. But, you gotta face the truth sometime right? It's not a crush.. oh no.. just a slight.. teeny interest.. from a lonely girl who seeks a bit of comfort from another body. A body to cuddle me when watching movies... someone to tell me everything's going to be alright.. and someone to make me feel cute and special when my clumsy ways take action when I spill the cup of tea... walk into the table, or trip over my feet. Blah... if only life were so simple. Because for now I'll just leave my dreams, as overrated, and exaggerated as they may be... and hope that maybe one day, just maybe, my wishes will get answered... and maybe even come true.
This is the complex mind of a seventeen year old girl. The first journal entry I'm posting on here from yours truly... expect the unexpected! In which case means you should expect more... more writing! Mwahaha... whether you like it or not.
Over and out!
Nezzy x
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
