The 23rd day of April 2010

Have I perhaps ever mentioned how much I love the rain? I can lay in bed for hours simply listening to the gentle showers...sending a cool rush of air in through the window

Caressing my face as I snuggle deeper under my duvet and layers
Of warm blankets. The soft warm fur of my Siamese cat and Yorkshire huddled
Tightly with me under the covers. I love just lying there.. letting the music
Serenade me in and out of consciousness

Several things have excited me this past week... let me count them off. Starting with the best... I can bend down and touch the ground without bending my knees! If that isn't cause for celebration, I do not know what is... I honestly cannot remember the last time I could bend over and touch my toes, never mind the ground! I guess these yoga sessions are truly working out for me... oh, and speaking of yoga sessions... they are amazing. You don't notice you're exercising until you feel the perspiration sticking to your skin. It's also excellent for mental well-being... I find I am such a happier person now after doing them... oh, and did I perhaps mention that my yoga instructor told me (without me asking) that I had lost weight! Now that's brilliant... I mean, I've just had three weeks of holiday.. no yoga.. and if I'd lost weight from that then I must be doing something right. So, of course lately I'm walking around feeling like the bee's knees.. because.. wait for it..Inez Hayes is looking good! Get the glass of Chardonnay out and let's party..!

Also found out that I'm moving house.. around the end of July we'll be doing the big move. Quite happy for this because, it's always quite exciting to make a big change to one's lifetime. Not always a good excitement... but in this case it is.. I get a bigger room.. with a balcony..and a big bathroom... now that my friends, is just plain Splendid. The only pothole in this plan is that the house we're looking at is a bit far from town so I guess I will have to start organising some major transport systems!

In the love department...I still have an immense love interest in that one guy. I simply cannot stop my eyes from drinking up his beauty and splendour. I would much rather have his conversation and words spoken in that melodious charm than anything else. Just talking with him promotes me to a sudden happy mood. Seeing him smile.. or laugh... is just enough to make me melt. I can't describe this attraction I hold for him... Apart from his obvious good looks, his personality is so... different. Quite cocky.. but there is a certain wisdom and warmth hidden in that beautiful head. That quality drives me insane. Now.. we all know good things must come to an end, and here it is... I think he may have feelings for someones else. Just from things I hear... and see, I think is enough for the message to send out clearly. I may be paranoid... but the damage is already done. He won't ever be interested in me... and I have to live with that. I guess I've already officially come to terms with it... for I am getting over it...but I can't help feeling just that teeny twinge of heartbreak. But you know what... I always knew there was no way we could ever be together, so this isn't as hard as it sounds. These are just the words from a lonely girl... who will one day find her prince charming in this world of ours before the dreaded countdown starts. So for now I shall just admire and dream.. like I always have, and still go on with the talking.. for those just make my days. Luckily no one knows about him... I wonder how he would act if he knew.. will most probably be awkward around me and avoid me, so I am keeping this trap shut. It really is quite unfair how this world seems to create such beautiful works of art.... but then, no one ever said that life is fair?

On a much happier note.. finally done with the art exam and all the bloody coursework. I never knew I could work so fast as I did today. Doing all my mounting up in a few hours... which would normally take me days or weeks, I did all in the course of an afternoon! Brava to me and my trusty Fried Chicken.. who is one of the best guy friends a girl can ask for. Together we helped each other strive through the difficult task of cutting up and sticking down... and making our work look good. He is such a good artist.. today I realised that I do not only admire his artistic qualities... but the way in which he makes sure hie measurements and proportions are accurate and neat. Just the right qualities for the architect he dreams to be, and will be a great one if I do say so myself. Now I on the other hand,I measure things with my head.. and stick things down as I think looks good, and it usually does...and looks neat. I truly think I have a knack of putting things together and making them look good. I think it's a natural ability.. for example.. even though I was in a rush, and the quality of work wasn't as good as it could have with my ability.. it looked great. Now that, I think.. deserves a round of applause.

Now would you look at that.. another long journal entry... what can I say.. I guess I'm back! Big Shout out to all you wonderful people out there who make my life worth living.. I love you all. Cheers for now

Nezzy x

The 17th day of the 4th month 2010

I know I said that from now on I'm not going to worry about my looks... and so far it's worked and I haven't.. but, when someone says straight to your face; your face has changed.. gotten a lot rounder.. that you looked good before, but now you look shit. This... does not help. I know that I am not perfect... and that I am no beauty... but it still hurts a hell of a lot to have something like that shoved in your face.
Ashamed.. I now sit here with tears silently running down my puffy cheeks. As if I don't stress enough about superficial things... Now I'm embarrassed that I even let myself be affected by comments as these, but how can they not when one is in a precious state as it is. I've had a precious secret shared between two people, leaked out to pretty much everyone... Now I'm too shy to even show my face in public...It's a secret everyone goes through as they get older.. it's something I had wanted to keep private.. but I guess that want has gone to waste now. It's happened though.. and I guess there's nothing I can do about it..so what's the use in crying over spilt milk ay?

The eleventh day of the fourth month of the year 2010

Everyday I look in the mirror, look at my reflection... and always find something wrong with what I see. I walk along the town, check out my reflection in windows just to reassure myself that I still look ok... most of the time it ends up letting me down. If the simple fact that I'm tall and round isn't enough..-and actually look like an overgrown midget- I self consciously peer at my mirror self.. and disgust myself when I see the mounds of crimson blemishes or the little flakes of eczima flourishing around my nose...yeugh, how horrible..especially when almost all of the girls in my school have perfect skin. How cruel this world is..And if that isn't enough.... my bottom gum deformity - caused by me unconciously breathing through my mouth in my sleep - makes my chubby cheeked smiles look a little off. Oh, and did I forget to mention that my hair is utterly ruthless? It's beautiful, soft and shiny... but its sooo lanky and and doesn't fall right around my head, and it's in a weird cut shape right now which somehow makes me look like I have no neck. In times like these I wonder, why me. Why do I get to be so mishapen... why can't I look as hot and sexy and cute as the girls in the other schools. Then there comes the whole boyfriend issue... am I really that gruesome that I can't attract anyone but the really desperate creeps slinking about town?
Yeah... the other day I took my phone to the phone fundi to look at my phone. Wonderously, he fixed it! I was so happy... but not for long. About an hour later I started getting harrassing phone calls and text messages from this fundi, who had somehow taken my number from my phone without me knowing.Talk about sinister, weeelll... he stopped as soon as my dad got ahold of his number...

Anyway...back to the point I was trying to get to before I got a bit sidetracked with the disturbing fundi story..
I realised after a shock of realization hit me after hearing about all the earthquakes, that 2012 is actually, quite possible indeed. Being a paranoid person, and becoming a slow believer of this travesty.. I can honestly say that right now, I'm scared shitless. I have my whole life ahead of me.. so many unseen adventures and love affairs that await, and it might all just simply.. end.
So.. the point.. well, the point is that I should forget about all my flaws and problems, and really start enjoying life, because it will one day just come to a sudden end. In any way. It's too short to really stress about the size of my butt or the shape of my body...
Nobody is perfect.. and personality counts a lot, and I am a great person... so what's stopping me from being happy and enjoying life. From now on I'm making a vow to never stress about my looks, and to stop being so insecure. To stop thinking of all the things that are wrong in my life... school grades.. boyfriends.. bad friends.. family issues.. and just live my life. A vow not to have any regrets in this life, and live each moment like it may be my last on this godforsaken planet. Yes, that is a bit of a cliche.. and might possibly be heard quite often from a lot of people, but so be it. I'm telling ya... this may be the dawn of a new era.. a new Inez people! The fun side of me is gonna come out with a bang.. and it's gonna stay. No more black moods.. just a happy chappy. Screw looks.. I am fine the way I am. I am postively beautiful! Well, in my own unique way.. and I am awesome.. very awesome. So so so awesome... Ok, stopping with the awesomeness now... I might smother you with my new found cockiness, I'll try to keep it under control.

Still scared and desperately sad about the possible future apocolypse (this could be argued) I'm going into a Hippy mode, so watch out people... A new hippy on the loose.. Peace and love all!

Oh, and on a further note may I add Alice in wonderland is phenomenal. Tim Burton is certainly one of the greatest and most creative directors out there... his movies are always excellent.. with a slight eery edge to them. Some may argue, but then with his movies, one either loves them, or hates them. Besides, what movie with Johnny Depp -no matter how odd he may look in it- is not guaranteed to be awesome? This is a definite must see.

Cheers to for now!

Nezzy x