20th November 2010

Some walls are built, not to keep anyone from coming in, but to see who cares enough to climb over them. It is really discomforting when, you finally realise that at the end of the day, the only person there for you, is yourself. No matter how much emotion and energy and sleep-ness nights you put in, no one but your inner self is ever truly there for you when you need someone the most.

With a pen in hand, the only real companion you have besides your conscious, is the blank page spread out in front of your drained eyes.

The marvelous curtain of silken sheet shyly unveils herself as she gets ready for her master performance. Tenderly she lets the maestro direct the flow of musical creativity unleash an explosion of colours onto her yet empty facade.

The primary colors first, creeping slowly onto the potential white, spreading their dazzling plumage as they hook onto the edges with might. The fierce secondary rapids come rushing in, taking the center stage. With a violent rage, the insignias swirl here and there, blindingly binding and dominating the grand opening.

Brilliant sparks fly as the magic erupts out of the concoction of creation, out of the deepest boundaries of the unknown imagination.

Next come the music notes to accompany the dazzling ballerinas in their breakthrough recital, eager to please and excite the silent audience. Inflicting powerful sensations among those caught up by chance to experience this feat.

Exhausted, yet strangely exhilarated by this artistry, the maker stands back to admire the now less vacant canvas. With a swooping motion here, the meaning's applied. With a gentle nudge there, the heart is pumping a slow yet beautiful story, as it rises out of the emerging psyche.

Not completely absolute, she leaves room for changes, because life in general, does not stay the same. A story ready to be interpreted whichever way the viewer may, she sits there the spotlight, ready to perform.

State of mind

Right, well, this can be argued, but I think I am somehow destined to be a writer. The past few months I've been overcome by an irresistible urge to write. Just to sit down, and write... about anything. Anything and everything... even it's about the simplest, plainest, silliest things out there. Therefore I have begun writing a journal again, quite enjoying it to be honest... not just because it helps me when my mind gets filled to the brim of unnecessary thoughts, but just the joy of writing in itself is pleasurable. Although I put off school essays as much as possible ( they still come as huge pressuring factors), I adore writing about myself, and about life.

Contemplating pursuing a career in journalism after I finish school, have decided to become a magazine editor. It's a position I have always romaticised about and, somehow, it just feels so.. right. I've finally find a career, which will put my mini obsessive compulsive disorder about good spelling, grammar and correcting rather defensive persons' work. I mean... art will always be a part of me, and play an important role in my future, but I feel more secure about journalism.. so I guess that's where I'm headed. Most probably studying in Cape town, since its a city I fell in love with many years ago...and the possibility of friends being there, is very, very comforting. I won't be as alone as I fear. The only real insecurity I have of this option is that I fear I am not such a great writer as I may think at times. That people overrate my work, that I overrate it, that I get a bit big headed. My work does not contain the good humour of many admirable writers (I'm talking about you Cammy dearest), it's not as amazing and mature as some of the great works out there. My work is simple, real, and just straightforward, if that's the right word to use. Nothing but lessons, honest opinions, and time will tell. Oh, and can I mention that I took an IQ test the other week, and amazingly, I got 147. An IQ of 147, well imagine that. I was expecting something in the 120'! Oh just picture my surprise!


Had a (very) random photo shoot by myself today... no other explanation than I was simply just in the mood! Put on some red lipstick, and pitch black eyeliner. What can I say, I needed to know if I'm as pretty as my friends say ( no narcism). Well, wore on a black salsa dress, and proceeded to follow a rather Gothic theme shoot. Well, from the photos, I can perceive that I'm definitely not as bad looking as I think I am at times, perhaps even a tad photogenic. In my opinion, every girl needs a fun activity such as this to boost their self esteem once in a blue moon.

Friends. What a complex subject in itself. I reckon high school friendships are both overrated, and underrated. While they may seem of the key importance at the time, when you leave high school, they may as well not have existed at all. I have some awesome friends right now, but at the end of the day, I still perceive that the only person out there truly looking out for me, is myself. Considerably, I am a lone wolf, and alone, I shall head out to conquer that great big world out there.




In a different, more, low note... I have been randomly thinking about my late grandmother lately, who passed away when I was just 7 years old. I did not know her very well, but I know that we were very close, and that I loved her very much, as she did me. I couldn't help but long to know who she was, what her persona was, what she was like. I hear all these stuff from my family, about her quirks and characteristics... yet I wish to have known seen these for myself. I know my mom had a hard time adjusting to her death, and also has been thinking of her a lot lately... but for some reason, the whole instance of her death reduces me to tears every time I think about her. I have also been thinking about my poor, lovable grandfather. I have been smelling him everywhere I went this week. I worried, and still do, that it was some sign as to his health, but I really do not want to delve too much into the paranormal at this time.

I somehow think that the passing of my beloved grandmother and my grandfather's detachment, might be part of the reason I am as I am today. A reason as to why I am so prone to negativity, to be surrounded by happiness, yet feel something entirely different. Honestly, I wish I can visit a good psychologist that can hypnotize me, find out what exactly my problems are, and then tell me. By doing this, I can at least have a basis for fixing myself. What a complex mind and life is that of Inez Hayes.

Amongst other things, whilst discussing my career with my form tutor, I found out that I think very analytically. That I am a thinker, and therefore think too much and analyze everything in detail. Funnily, this fact really interested me. It explains so much about me; from the fact that I criticize myself so much, that I am my own worst enemy, that I may appear slow at times, or in fact a bit dumb. I am actually quite intelligent, but due to the instance that I tend to over think things, the words that come out of my mouth may appear totally out of the blue, or just plain random. I am so misunderstood, yet I am not as dumb or as plain as I thought.

Been listening to a lot of Carlos Santana's stuff lately, and the soft, dramatic chords of the guitar helps a lot when it comes to late night sessions for homework! I really reckon he is an underrated artist. While Jimmi Hendrix may be the named best guitarist this world has seen, Santana is surely not far from it. Ah.. music. It definitely knows how to lifts one's spirits!

Well, hope this entry hasn't been to poignant for my own good, but I just felt like writing. Just felt like writing, no other explanation, no other excuse.

Happy Halloween Everyone!

A summary

Haven't posted in a while.. again.. let me summarize the last few months in a few short paragraphs..

For summer holidays I took a trip down to my homeland, which is South Africa, and spent a few week long, emotional visits with bits and bobs of my family. The visit with my grandfather was possibly the most heart wrenching. Like any normal old man, he is aging.. therefore getting one step closer to the end of his life here with us. Unfortunately the death of my grandmother and uncle had weakened him and caused him to suffer from Parkinson's.. I cannot possibly describe the type of heartbreaking love I carry for him, that good bye was possibly one of the longest, hardest goodbyes I've ever made.

In a lighter view, I had one of the most enjoyable visits with my great aunt, who is very very dear to me, and whom I love and admire so very much. I still miss our long walks along the breezy beach of Hartenbos, and spotting the porpoises and whales frolicking about in the waves. Next year just seems too long, that goodbye was also hard.. but for a different reason. Even considering all the messed up political dramas, South Africa still holds a deep untouched passion inside my heart. I simply cannot part with my motherland... however, after attending a few years there for college, I'm sure my opinion might alter a bit!


After the awesome visit we had in the land down South, we departed for Namibia where we visited my older sister and future husband. I really missed her, even though when we're together we fight worse than cats and dogs, hey.. I never said I'm fully mature.. I guess no matter how old you get, when siblings get together it's as if they'd entered a time capsule back to the time when arguing over the remote control and pulling at each others hair happened on a daily bases. Love her so much though, I've discovered a whole new protectiveness I have over my family... does it come with age.. I wonder?
Back to Namibia; one of the most exquisite, breathtaking untouched countries in this world. Took a trip down to the coast where the ocean is bluer than the cleanest sapphires, and colder than the inside of a refrigerator. However, the most special thing about it however, is that when you look on your left, you would see a wide span of water, dazzling in the sun.. and on the right, well, you find a magnificent, velvety desert spread out around you. That's Namibia. After that we headed to Sossusvlei, an actual desert in the heart of Namibia, with blood red sand shifted from the Kalahari desert, it was.. simply amazing. You would have to experience it for yourself to truly feel the magnificence radiating off the country.

Unfortunately, all good things come to an end.. and we retired back to our home, Tanzania. The last year of my school had started, and it is exciting, as well as overwhelming and depressing.. not just the work, but the fact that we are now one step closer to leaving our nests behind.. our shelter of motherly, paternal love and protection. But hey, I guess I'm one step close to becoming an adult! Which is terrifying, as well as exciting... to fully register. I'll get over it.

Now I'm on the topic, I celebrated my 18th birthday the other day, and it was..awesome. Absolutely legendary. I loved every moment of it, didn't think I had such amazing friends as I did on that day. Sweet, sweet memories. Oh, I have a pool now.. and a very hyperactive jack Russel who is fanatical about balls... so, put a bunch of teens into a backyard with a pool and a soccer ball.. add a jack Russel and you can imagine the mayhem! Good mayhem though.. very good!

On a more personal basis, I feel the best that I have in a very long time. For some strange scientific reason, as soon as I got off the plane, I started losing weight and I'm happy to report that (in my opinion) I am looking great. I feel great, look great, great family, great friends.. what more does a girl need! Boys? nah.. I figured I really don't need that kinda drama in my life.. having them as friends are just fine!

Let me end on the quote of a very great writer whom I admire very much. P.J Schoemann.

'Herinneringe, mooi herinneringe, is die droe brandhout wat elke mens vir hom versamel vir die donker winternagte wat vir een en almal van ons erend op die ver paaie wag'


'Memories, beautiful memories, is the dry firewood which each person collects for himself for the dark nights which awaits each and every one of us somewhere on the far paths ahead'

13th July 2010

I am so bad.. I haven't posted anything down here in a while... Guess I need to be punished! Now, shall I get to updating on all the recent hubbub?

I have been spending a hell of a lot of time with my favourite Algerian Angel here in Arusha... going out and getting up to mischief! She has indeed taught me lots on the lessons and mysteries of life.. and eating pop tarts at 2 o' clock in the morning!

Finally done with school.. only got a year left! That is so scary.. especially the fact that I am indeed turning 18 in two months.. hmm, looks like I've got to do what I can to preserve my youth!
On a pleasant note, I won the English and literature award at my school... I can safely say that I was shocked, impressed... and so psyched! As my good friend Cammy's mom told me; 'A South African girl getting an award for English! That is something!' I feel so too... especially since I have a teeny bit of a compulsive disorder on words being spelled right!

On something a bit more dramatic... a very good friend of mine (Pipsy) got mistreated by some of her friends before her high school graduation. I was so shocked.. and so angry. The one girl had supposedly been her friend the whole year.. someone she shared a deep intimacy with. One day a new girl shows up and steals her friendship. Pipsy starts feeling as if the new girl is hitting on her boyfriend... but since we all like the new girl (and honestly thought she was such a sweety) we told her that nothing of the sorts was going on. Next thing we know, my dear Pipsy is being stabbed in the back by that friend who was trying her utmost best to get the new girl and Pipsy's boyfriend together. A bunch of racist comments.. scrabbling out of names and drama and just a hell of a lot of unfairness followed. Pipsy really does not deserve it... but what can one do.. I've tried to talk to the new girl, but all she did was deny everything... everything I KNEW to be true. Guess you really cannot trust anyone in this world of ours.... a pity.

Rather a lot of guys seem to be interested in me lately.. and all I seem to do is set my eyes on one person and ignore the rest... Maybe I am a Meany.. who knows. I do know though that I am picky... and I need to start letting my guard down a bit! Enjoy life and forget about my worries!

Off down South to the motherland on the 29th.. and between me and you.. I really cannot wait! Shopping.. family.. sight seeing..smell.. and did I mention shops and good food! Then I'm off to the splendid desert sands of the great Namibia to visit my dearest older sister... again, I truly can't wait.. a trip like this is only destined to be great!

Got a second bout of the dreaded flu again now... it sucks. The last time I had it was about three weeks ago... and sounded a bit like a drunken goose. Let's see what I end up sounding like this time round! Any guesses??

Well goodnight all ye, take care and may the sky not fall on yer heads!
x

Mirror talk

Bored... so bored...so so so bored...
Let me post a poem I came up with the other day
In the last remaining hours before shutting my eyes
to sleep. I was in one of my rather darker moods...
Although I still like it a great deal, as I feel it explains
a part of me no one else can see.

This crawling hatred
Inside me blooms

Every Spring of gloom befalls.

The twin I turn to
stares aghast,

Distorted visage
and body wrath.

Tear away
this flesh forbid,

It doth not end
at gates of sin.

Thank you

Thanks. Thanks or making my life just that much less boring. Less boring is surely better than boring now, isn't it? Yeah.. girls absolutely love to hear about how much of an easy slut they are, so desperate and pathetic that they would have sex with a drunk in the back of a van. Thanks for adding the drunk part.. it truly emphasises the desperation, non? The best I think, is saying all this to the one person I truly dislike, all in the act of getting into her pants. This indeed deserves a big round of applause, so clap clap for you Mr hot shot, let's not hope for a standing ovation.. but oh wait, there is more.
Thanks for talking to me on facebook and skype, sending the clear message that we are indeed friends. You came to my town, thanks for calling me up and letting me know you're here.. for offering to meet up and all that jazz that usually follows. I figured it out though.. you did it to woe me, so that whenever you come up here, I would be a quick and easy piece of ass you could get as you please... yeah that sounds about right, and then drop me like a piece of hot toast if you spot someone better.
Now, I'm sure I've heard this come from your lips... When you're friends with someone, you would give your all to spend time with them, and do all that you can for them. Yeah.. thanks for ignoring the messages I sent and the calls I gave, I see that you were having just so much a better time with others that you decided you couldn't be bothered having me there. Yeah.. I guess I need to learn to stop caring so much for my friends.. doing my utmost to make them feel awesome and indeed giving my all to spend time with them. Thanks for opening my eyes to see that doing all this is such a waste of time. I mean.. what's the point in caring so for someone, when it's pretty obvious they couldn't give a rat's ass whether you're alive.. or if you're so close to tears at being treated with so much disrespect; being treated like no one special when you see them at the fair.
Yes. Thanks for everything... when I first met you, you really weren't that spectacular in the looks department. Yet you possessed a great personality that threw me off my feet and think that 'hey, now here is a cool guy'. You made me feel great, but right now, and I say this with all the dignity I can muster. I probably feel the shittiest I ever have for a long time. So thanks for that too..
You know, I would have thought that I've been bullshitted enough to last me the rest of my teenage hood, I really don't feel like any more.
So, Thanks. Really.. who would have known I would be given such an ideal opportunity not to eat and to finally lose some weight.
Go ahead and score some hot chicks, and drink some beer. For I know that you really don't give a sh**.. , and if you could read this you'd scarcely have read but five lines, and then decided that being ignorant would be a far better option as far as you're concerned; but you know, I have lose it sometime.
Being in such a state with tears at hand, at having been deceived...by a friend, forget anything to do with romance. I have decided I am going to turn lesbian. Life would be just so much simpler. For one, I wouldn't have to deal with assholes such as yourself.
Have a good life

Late night rambling

Listening to John Mayer right now and imagining a scene
Where he would be singing to me
While a hoard of girls would look upon me with utmost jealousy
'Cause I would be the one those beautiful words
Are directed at.




Ah, if only such fantasies were real
But then, a girl can dream can't she?
Talking about dreaming....
Wouldn't it be fair,
Just to let one of our favourite dreams come true?
Just one.
That's all I ask really...
For one dream, just one.. could ensure a place of utter contentment
For a while, at least.

If not a dream,
A wish!
All this endless gentle eyelash blowing..,
Wishing upon shooting stars
and blowing out birthday candles
Maybe it would all be worth it
If one actually came true!

Which brings me to magic
It really would be a phantasmagorical life
Of that filled with magic.

So I guess the answer is to marry a magician.
Someone to truly bring the magic out of life
But then, magic can be brought about in many ways..

In casual conversation with my dear mother the other day
I told her that
In order for me to marry someone
That person would have to be:

A) A chef
B) A musician
C) A chocolatier

D) A writer (or have a good knowledge and understanding of literature and one who appreciates books)

E) A magician
F) A comedian

G) A bad guy is never a bad thing either... but let's stick to the basics

They must ride a motorbike, for since I can't...and do not own one of these beautiful machines, if my future husband has one.. Presto!
I can take him on rides, now there's a thought for ya

However...
As we all know
Life has many twists and turns
You never know what it might present you
...
And teenage girls tend to build many castles in the sky
And dream big
with overactive imaginations
But that's never a bad thing...
A person with a good imagination can go far in life
Look at Walt Disney..

Now, before I carry on my late night
Randomnosity... I shall remove myself from your presence
And go back to reading Pride and Prejudice...
One of my favourite books
...or perhaps I shall watch some TV first
Hmm...

Anyhoo.. Cheerio
Nezzy xx

Teenage Blues

Here I sit, the afternoon after writing my first Biology exam.. one of three exams that I'm absolutely scared shitless of... Nearly thought I was gonna end up hyperventilating so bad that they would have to drag me off on a stretcher... So, after spending many never-ending hours pouring over notes and diagrams about how life works...
(was too scared to revise at first because, as embarrassing as it is.. I was scared that I might revise wrong and end up forgetting everything when sitting in the exam room)
...the exam itself was not as bad as I thought it was... was actually beginning
to feel a bout of confidence coming out as I answered each question...
However, coming out that dreaded room and conversing with my fellow biologists.. I think I may just have flunked that paper. Oh well, as much as it hurts..
I guess I can always take the exam in October. Blah.
I used to be the smart one... But I guess all things change! Now I'm the dummy among a bunch
of smart people...oh joy!

Think I've sneezed too many times... bumped into too many things.. gotten hit on the head with too many balls...
My brain cells seem to have decided to take revenge on me
For abusing them on silly things
I'm sorry dear brain cells
Please have meiosis and reproduce more
Brain cells so I can be smart

Well... I guess the world's gonna end in two years...
So! Time to stop stressing about minuscule things such as
Silly people, loneliness and self appearance
...and exams... but they have some importance..
I guess...

At least I reckon I got a pretty good mark in my English! If I didn't
I think I'll just cry...

So.. lemme end this on a better note

When I get older... I will be stronger...
They'll call me freedom
Just like a waving flag

That's if I even get that much older...

Since the world's gonna end and all...


.......................


Guess I'd better start soon!!

The 23rd day of April 2010

Have I perhaps ever mentioned how much I love the rain? I can lay in bed for hours simply listening to the gentle showers...sending a cool rush of air in through the window

Caressing my face as I snuggle deeper under my duvet and layers
Of warm blankets. The soft warm fur of my Siamese cat and Yorkshire huddled
Tightly with me under the covers. I love just lying there.. letting the music
Serenade me in and out of consciousness

Several things have excited me this past week... let me count them off. Starting with the best... I can bend down and touch the ground without bending my knees! If that isn't cause for celebration, I do not know what is... I honestly cannot remember the last time I could bend over and touch my toes, never mind the ground! I guess these yoga sessions are truly working out for me... oh, and speaking of yoga sessions... they are amazing. You don't notice you're exercising until you feel the perspiration sticking to your skin. It's also excellent for mental well-being... I find I am such a happier person now after doing them... oh, and did I perhaps mention that my yoga instructor told me (without me asking) that I had lost weight! Now that's brilliant... I mean, I've just had three weeks of holiday.. no yoga.. and if I'd lost weight from that then I must be doing something right. So, of course lately I'm walking around feeling like the bee's knees.. because.. wait for it..Inez Hayes is looking good! Get the glass of Chardonnay out and let's party..!

Also found out that I'm moving house.. around the end of July we'll be doing the big move. Quite happy for this because, it's always quite exciting to make a big change to one's lifetime. Not always a good excitement... but in this case it is.. I get a bigger room.. with a balcony..and a big bathroom... now that my friends, is just plain Splendid. The only pothole in this plan is that the house we're looking at is a bit far from town so I guess I will have to start organising some major transport systems!

In the love department...I still have an immense love interest in that one guy. I simply cannot stop my eyes from drinking up his beauty and splendour. I would much rather have his conversation and words spoken in that melodious charm than anything else. Just talking with him promotes me to a sudden happy mood. Seeing him smile.. or laugh... is just enough to make me melt. I can't describe this attraction I hold for him... Apart from his obvious good looks, his personality is so... different. Quite cocky.. but there is a certain wisdom and warmth hidden in that beautiful head. That quality drives me insane. Now.. we all know good things must come to an end, and here it is... I think he may have feelings for someones else. Just from things I hear... and see, I think is enough for the message to send out clearly. I may be paranoid... but the damage is already done. He won't ever be interested in me... and I have to live with that. I guess I've already officially come to terms with it... for I am getting over it...but I can't help feeling just that teeny twinge of heartbreak. But you know what... I always knew there was no way we could ever be together, so this isn't as hard as it sounds. These are just the words from a lonely girl... who will one day find her prince charming in this world of ours before the dreaded countdown starts. So for now I shall just admire and dream.. like I always have, and still go on with the talking.. for those just make my days. Luckily no one knows about him... I wonder how he would act if he knew.. will most probably be awkward around me and avoid me, so I am keeping this trap shut. It really is quite unfair how this world seems to create such beautiful works of art.... but then, no one ever said that life is fair?

On a much happier note.. finally done with the art exam and all the bloody coursework. I never knew I could work so fast as I did today. Doing all my mounting up in a few hours... which would normally take me days or weeks, I did all in the course of an afternoon! Brava to me and my trusty Fried Chicken.. who is one of the best guy friends a girl can ask for. Together we helped each other strive through the difficult task of cutting up and sticking down... and making our work look good. He is such a good artist.. today I realised that I do not only admire his artistic qualities... but the way in which he makes sure hie measurements and proportions are accurate and neat. Just the right qualities for the architect he dreams to be, and will be a great one if I do say so myself. Now I on the other hand,I measure things with my head.. and stick things down as I think looks good, and it usually does...and looks neat. I truly think I have a knack of putting things together and making them look good. I think it's a natural ability.. for example.. even though I was in a rush, and the quality of work wasn't as good as it could have with my ability.. it looked great. Now that, I think.. deserves a round of applause.

Now would you look at that.. another long journal entry... what can I say.. I guess I'm back! Big Shout out to all you wonderful people out there who make my life worth living.. I love you all. Cheers for now

Nezzy x

The 17th day of the 4th month 2010

I know I said that from now on I'm not going to worry about my looks... and so far it's worked and I haven't.. but, when someone says straight to your face; your face has changed.. gotten a lot rounder.. that you looked good before, but now you look shit. This... does not help. I know that I am not perfect... and that I am no beauty... but it still hurts a hell of a lot to have something like that shoved in your face.
Ashamed.. I now sit here with tears silently running down my puffy cheeks. As if I don't stress enough about superficial things... Now I'm embarrassed that I even let myself be affected by comments as these, but how can they not when one is in a precious state as it is. I've had a precious secret shared between two people, leaked out to pretty much everyone... Now I'm too shy to even show my face in public...It's a secret everyone goes through as they get older.. it's something I had wanted to keep private.. but I guess that want has gone to waste now. It's happened though.. and I guess there's nothing I can do about it..so what's the use in crying over spilt milk ay?

The eleventh day of the fourth month of the year 2010

Everyday I look in the mirror, look at my reflection... and always find something wrong with what I see. I walk along the town, check out my reflection in windows just to reassure myself that I still look ok... most of the time it ends up letting me down. If the simple fact that I'm tall and round isn't enough..-and actually look like an overgrown midget- I self consciously peer at my mirror self.. and disgust myself when I see the mounds of crimson blemishes or the little flakes of eczima flourishing around my nose...yeugh, how horrible..especially when almost all of the girls in my school have perfect skin. How cruel this world is..And if that isn't enough.... my bottom gum deformity - caused by me unconciously breathing through my mouth in my sleep - makes my chubby cheeked smiles look a little off. Oh, and did I forget to mention that my hair is utterly ruthless? It's beautiful, soft and shiny... but its sooo lanky and and doesn't fall right around my head, and it's in a weird cut shape right now which somehow makes me look like I have no neck. In times like these I wonder, why me. Why do I get to be so mishapen... why can't I look as hot and sexy and cute as the girls in the other schools. Then there comes the whole boyfriend issue... am I really that gruesome that I can't attract anyone but the really desperate creeps slinking about town?
Yeah... the other day I took my phone to the phone fundi to look at my phone. Wonderously, he fixed it! I was so happy... but not for long. About an hour later I started getting harrassing phone calls and text messages from this fundi, who had somehow taken my number from my phone without me knowing.Talk about sinister, weeelll... he stopped as soon as my dad got ahold of his number...

Anyway...back to the point I was trying to get to before I got a bit sidetracked with the disturbing fundi story..
I realised after a shock of realization hit me after hearing about all the earthquakes, that 2012 is actually, quite possible indeed. Being a paranoid person, and becoming a slow believer of this travesty.. I can honestly say that right now, I'm scared shitless. I have my whole life ahead of me.. so many unseen adventures and love affairs that await, and it might all just simply.. end.
So.. the point.. well, the point is that I should forget about all my flaws and problems, and really start enjoying life, because it will one day just come to a sudden end. In any way. It's too short to really stress about the size of my butt or the shape of my body...
Nobody is perfect.. and personality counts a lot, and I am a great person... so what's stopping me from being happy and enjoying life. From now on I'm making a vow to never stress about my looks, and to stop being so insecure. To stop thinking of all the things that are wrong in my life... school grades.. boyfriends.. bad friends.. family issues.. and just live my life. A vow not to have any regrets in this life, and live each moment like it may be my last on this godforsaken planet. Yes, that is a bit of a cliche.. and might possibly be heard quite often from a lot of people, but so be it. I'm telling ya... this may be the dawn of a new era.. a new Inez people! The fun side of me is gonna come out with a bang.. and it's gonna stay. No more black moods.. just a happy chappy. Screw looks.. I am fine the way I am. I am postively beautiful! Well, in my own unique way.. and I am awesome.. very awesome. So so so awesome... Ok, stopping with the awesomeness now... I might smother you with my new found cockiness, I'll try to keep it under control.

Still scared and desperately sad about the possible future apocolypse (this could be argued) I'm going into a Hippy mode, so watch out people... A new hippy on the loose.. Peace and love all!

Oh, and on a further note may I add Alice in wonderland is phenomenal. Tim Burton is certainly one of the greatest and most creative directors out there... his movies are always excellent.. with a slight eery edge to them. Some may argue, but then with his movies, one either loves them, or hates them. Besides, what movie with Johnny Depp -no matter how odd he may look in it- is not guaranteed to be awesome? This is a definite must see.

Cheers to for now!

Nezzy x

17th March 2010

A passing ship in the dead of night. All you see are the lights, the lights that show that there is indeed life in this magnificent creation. Yet you can not see what lies within.. you can not see the fire. The people running around dancing to loud, lively music. The musicians playing their hearts out for the entertainment of others. The delicious food set out to satisfy the cravings of the passengers. The lust in the eyes of the men as they take in the soft bulges sticking out the dresses of each woman swirling past. The romance glittering in the gazes of young women dancing with the bachelors of their choice. The lonely old captain, directing the ship over dark troubled waters, yearning for some company and conversation to take his mind out to far away places. Anything else than the cold, dark silence as he sips his tea and gradually directs the mighty ship. Cleaning ladies and men sodden down with exhaustion, missing out on the merry making taking place; faced with the mission of turning the grawly mess of the rooms into spotless havens. The sweaty cooks in the kitchen, slaving away to hot steam and fire, as delicious odours waft out the room. The freezing skipper, standing alone, keeping a look out for danger. Yet, all you can see are the lights. The flaring yellow orbs shining on the poignant shadows of the ocean.

Watch as the lights slowly fade, and eventually disappear completely. You will never know what went on inside it, not unless you pull it over and step inside.

Give over

Look up into the skies

And you'll see the sun shining

Forget your pessimism

Let go your worries

Just look up
Into the light
Let it light the flame
Burning inside

Close your eyes
Watch as the sunlight
Dances across your eyelids
Like a warm kaleidoscope

Fall back
Onto the velvety green
Among the colors
With perfumes so sweet

Listen as the melody
Fills your ears
Penetrating your mind
With endless tunes

Feel your mouth
Turn up into a smile
Your muscles relax
And your heart swell with warmth

Give over to your senses
And let the light in
Wave goodbye those forlorn shadows
Say farewell to bad thoughts

Dream.
Carry yourself away
Like a weightless feather in slight breeze
And get lost in time

4th March 2010

Grief.

Grief is good.. it truly makes one cherish and celebrate life and the fact we are all still alive.

Life.

What can I say about life...we certainly take it for granted. I think it's time we all sit back for a while.. consider everything it has to offer us.. consider everything we have in our lives. about what we are actually doing with our lives, and what we are doing to this poor unfortunate world of ours. How we are tormenting it as each day passes... It's time to look around us. It's time to start treating our home, and each other... with the respect they deserve.

We all lost a great, great man Tuesday night. One of those rare men, who are truly beautiful inside and out. He didn't deserve to lose his life, especially him...but then nobody deserves to die that way. He would always tell us how cruel and mean humans really are... He was right. Look at what we have done.. to a fellow, innocent brother. All for the measly price of a stupid electronic gadget. I bet he's sitting up there right now shaking his head. Looking down at us all and saying 'I told you so'. Because he did, and it's about time we listen.

Mr Mugambi, you were a phenomenal person and a valuable asset to our school. Thank you for believing in us all. Thank you for bringing sunshine into our lives and classes each and every day. For brightening our days, in rain or sunshine. You will be greatly missed, we will never forget you. At least you are in a better place now, where the problems of this world of ours cannot harm you any longer. May you rest in peace. We love you, your spirit will live on forever. Godspeed.

I guess this is just turning out to be one of those weeks... losing a loved one, and lots of crying and emotion was certainly not on anybody's agenda.

On a happier not, at least the weekend was great. A great game of rugby was played by the Arusha rhinos, tough luck Dar Leopards, hopefully one day you will come up here and beat us for once! It's quite funny how it works though, whenever the Leopards come up to play us here, we win. However, whenever we go down to Dar to play against them, we always lose! A strange karma, or is it just foul play? Or the air? Does the air somehow affect an opposing teams performance? Very, very weird. Saw a friend of mine from Dar also, was on the losing team. Wasn't too pleased about that, he was so sure that this time they would win! Hah, as if. We're not a bad team us Rhinos, and we are victorious on our own turf. Let that be a warning! Ole ole ole ole... Rugby games are quite amusing to watch.

Hmm.. art coursework starting to take off, hopefully I'll have it all finished in time. Whew. Hard work! At least my English work is excelling... surprisingly looking forward to writing a children 's book, got to experiment if you want to be great. Maybe even a future journalist in the making? Inez Hayes, top journalist from the Times.... Nope. Doesn't sound bad.. not bad at all! I guess those top magazines out there better watch out. Inez is on the loose. Woohoo... here to bring a new sense of 'Inez-ness' to journalism... It's the future I tell you! That's if I don't change my mind halfway through and decide to go on a cooking course... but, Chef Inez certainly has a ring to it... Aaah, the perils of settling on a career.. a headache, surely someone can concur! What to do, what to do... still got a year left to decide, thankfully.

I shall say goodnight, before I really excel in dazzling your minds; and shall give one, last farewell, to an amazing mentor, friend, and biology teacher.

Mr Mugambi - 3rd March 2010

'If it's gonna be a rainy day, there's nothing we can do to make it change. We can pray for sunny weather, but that won't stop the rain. Everyone wants happiness, nobody wants pain. But you can't have a rainbow, without a little rain.
So please don't stop the rain'.

Goodnight,
Nezzy xxx

25th February 2010

Haven't written anything for a while now, what can i say... a lot has happened this past while.

I know I probably sound depressive but it feels like i've been so close to just giving up on everything. I don't know why i feel like this... i think it's just because it's all been building up, and iI guess it's started to get a bit too much. I had a breakdown tuesday, was just having a fucking shitty day. I was put on report... because i haven't been able to finish all my work on time, and i had missed two music lessons last week... but i had mock exams.. we had no lessons... can you really blame me for missing them to revise? Yes, i didn't ask the teacher if we i should go to the lessons or not... i know i'm at fault there, and believe me i know it.
I just can't help but feel as if my punisher is just coming down on me a bit too hard. As if i'm the major culprit for things that have been going wrong lately. Should i tell her what's been going on, is it worth it? Would telling her the reason i've been so messed up the last few months really change anything? I do not know.

Along with this, I've erased one of my 'closest', longest known friends from my life. I've had enough of her using me. The punisher came down on me hard on this topic as well, making me feel absolute shite, as if the reason she's isolating herself from everyone is my fault. It made me feel as if i was the most horrid person in the world...it's not my fault, or any of your business if i chose to stop talking to her. It's my personal business... If other people in the class aren't talking to her, that's their issues. I don't have anything to do with that.. i did not pin them against her. What they do is their own decisions...besides, nobody besides me has basically been purposefully isolating her. If anything she's removed herself from social gatherings. So, do not blame me for things i cannot control. I haven't talked about her that much, I've minorly discussed her with my closest friends... but when one needs to talk, you can't let them keep everything in their head, that kind of pressure would surely drive someone insane. I haven't dissed her, or been cruel to her in class... I have simply just discussed my issues with her. I know it is probably bad of me to do so, i can't help it, i'm one of those people who need to talk. I've been keeping too much inside for too long. I'm sorry for the fact that I'm putting her in coventry, but i have my own reasons. I'm fed up. I'v had too much... and this just piles onto the already overflowing matter already occupying my head.

I'm sorry, but i'm going to try my best not to let these issues disturb my mental well being anymore. I sound like a downright bitch, but I just can't handle anymore drama. I can't handle anymore complications... for I really might just crack.

13th February 2010

This morning my mom told me something that filled me with internal sunshine and glee. I had been telling her all about me starting a blog, and writing a s***load of stuff on it every week. She then told me that at my last school, the teachers would always tell her what a talented writer I am, and that I should definitely consider taking a course in it. Apparently they had been telling her this since I was in grade one, up until I left the school in grade 7. To be honest, it not only pleased me to hear this, but it also surprised me. I've never really considered myself as an especially talented writer. I guess it's up to those reading my works whether I should be put under talented or not.

Today's the day right before Valentine's day, and yet again, I find myself with no valentine by my side. For once though, I really don't mind... it just doesn't seem that important. I mean, I've possibly got the greatest group of people as my friends and family...and I've got my mom back. For those reasons alone I am ecstatic. Relieved that my mom is alright, and that that little piece of my heart has been restored. As cheesy as that may sound.

A huge surprise awaited me yesterday when I got home. It was late afternoon, and my little sister and I had just come back from Young Life ( a club we go to for a bit of fun...). I knew my dad wasn't home yet, he only comes home around 5pm, and besides.. his car wasn't even the driveway. However, as I crossed the threshold into my house, I saw my sister hugging someone ahead of me in the hallway. At first I was overcome with confusion, 'had dad come home earlier?' I thought.. and where was his car? However, as I looked a bit more closely I saw a more frail, yet glowing image of my mom. I really though I was seeing things at first... but then I was so overcome by emotion I thought I'd explode. I burst out with a wild cry and ran into her welcoming embrace. I hugged her tightly as I sobbed loudly, and rhythmically against her chest. I had missed her so much, it was so, so good to see her. She's finally home now, so I'm fine in that area of my psyche...and just so relieved she's alright!

I have a certain member of the male species lingering in my thoughts. I can't get rid of it no matter how hard I try; but, if it keeps that part inside of my happy, why get rid of it? Every now and then I would get a flurry of butterflies erupt deep inside my midriff, and spread out along my bloodstream. I suppose that it's a bit sad though, because I know that nothing can ever happen from this...But I have accepted this fact a long time ago, so it doesn't ever really cause me any really pain. Someone like him, such a phenomenal person, with absolute mind-aching beauty.... He won't ever look twice in the direction of meager old me, with my less than perfect appearance, and rather weird persona. I am no extraordinary beauty. I can't ever measure up to that level of greatness his aura gives off. However, simply having his conversation, his gaze on mine at those rare times our eyes meet coincidentally...and being in the same air as he.. It makes me giddy with joy. As I said the other day, this is all I need to keep myself in high spirits.

This past week's just been awesome in it's own way...even with exams, stress, art coursework in need of completion.. It was somehow one of those rare times in your life where the majority of things just seems to go as you want it. Obviously not all of it does, but most of it. I am so happy right now, not overly ecstatic, but content... purely content. Even with pressure, no boyfriend.. no real love life, and the occasional bouts of self-consciousness spilling out every now and then. I've got amazing people in my life...and that's possibly more than I could ever ask for. All you basically need is someone there for you, to care for you... and when you've got a fair amount of these, I'd say you're pretty damned lucky. Plus, I've got a crush.. something I haven't had in eons...a motivation to get up every day, and really make an effort with my appearance. Aaah, the benefits of falling for someone...

So, here I am.. holding a glass of red champagne.... and making to toast to all you glorious people out there, who succeed in making my life just that little bit more awesome each day. May your day be filled with love, sunshine and lots of butterflies. Happy Valentine's day!

Nezzy xx

11th February 2010

Mock exams in progress... what a bundle of stress they are! Even if they're just practice.. it just shows that i will really have to start pulling my socks up if i want to get into a good college!

Had a Biology multiple choice today, and boy did the funniest thing happen.. i had spent all morning revising..
The last hour i had been pouring over a particular exam past paper... doing the first 15 questions with 2 people.. the next few with someone else.. and the last 15 by myself.
Now, as i entered the exam room...i happened to see the back of the question papers that the teacher was holding. It was a graph.. a suspiciously familiar looking graph.. 'No, its probably just the same question..' i thought. As soon as the Madame put it down in front of me, i quickly checked the date, and nearly burst out laughing. For it was the exact same past paper i had been revising from earlier...and going through the questions, i realized that i had each one memorized.. so to say i knew everything. I finished the whole thing in less than 20 minutes. At that point i kept glancing around me to see how far everyone else was, just to see if it was o.k for me to leave yet.. so, deciding it certainly wasn't..i went back and looked through every question. i even changed the answer to about 1 or 2 questions,.. so it wouldn't look as if i was cheating or anything.. which i wasn't! So, with about 35 minutes to go.. i decided it was ok for me to leave. To be quite frank, i was severely disappointed...i was expecting, and craving a bit of a challenge.. but i got something so simple it was almost a bore...and that's saying a lot because i am absolutely fascinated by science.

Mom's coming out on Saturday.. the day before valentine's day.. what a day. I absolutely cannot wait, for it would have been about 2 and a half months since i last saw her.. I've truly missed her so much, in a way I'm scared to see her because i wouldn't know how to react... i might cry my heart out.. i really don't know. Things can finally go back to normal now, after all the awkwardness has settled.

I'm happy to say that my nightly depressions have subsided for now... for i may have the slightest possibility, of maybe having a teeny weeny bit of a crush. Someone who holds an attraction for me that i just can not explain.. i see him, and i know there's something in him that attracts me, but it's frustrating 'coz i don't know what it is. He's breathtakingly handsome.. but there's something more. Something a lot deeper within him that stirs something deep inside of me.. a bit of a cliche saying, but it's true. What's even more frustrating is that i know nothing can ever happen.. yet i don't mind, for now i just look and admire... indulge myself in his good looks. That's all i need, it's enough to keep me satisfied.. and enough for me not to long after him. So to say, i'm pretty much at a good place right now!

A very strange, and unexpected occurrence happened the other day... Gary, of all people, Mr high and mighty himself, engaged me in conversation. Not full on, flowing conversation.. but he would make the odd comment now and then, we'd laugh about it.. talk a bit.. silence. Another comment.. etc. It's quite nice to be honest... because he's actually an interesting person.. and i find myself thinking of what his opinions would be on certain things. He also seems more nice to me in school, like, the other day he came out of a classroom holding a chair, saw me walking towards the same class, also for the need of a chair. He went back in, came out and said 'here, i got one for you..' I must say, it certainly is great knowing that there are still some gentlemen out there!

The other day i began speaking to an ex 'one-nighter', and it was so awesome. I realise that i'd been paranoid about a lot of things, and it was just cool talking to him because he really is a great guy... and he's funny, which is of course a major browny point. However, a few days ago he began telling me about the fact that he's depressed, because he'd just told the love of his life that he can't talk to her anymore because it hurts too much. It's long distance, and basically she'd just been using him, and blatantly told him that this country he lives in, is absolute shit, and she's not gonna waste her valuable time coming here. He was just so sad, of course my caring instinct took over and tried every piece of advice i could muster, but it just seemed to make it worse. Or maybe not, but that's how it seemed to me. Now he's on a self-righteous path to becoming more buff, and determined to do numerous amounts of things to make her jealous. I told him what i thought about it, but, if it helps him on his route to recovery.. then, why not? He is my friend, no matter what our history had been, he's still my friend.

Yesterday, i let one of my closest friends in on a secret i was determined not to have anyone know. Only two people knew, and it was just because i just couldn't keep it in for much longer, and i seeked advice that only they could give me.

Afraid this is all I'm going to have to write for now, i am quite tried, and a bit peeved that someone just kept badgering me on my virginity...and accusing me of lying and going on on a rant about how horrible liars are. I don't think my virginity has anything to do with him.. maybe he was being funny, because that's the kind of guy he is, but i really didn't appreciate it. I have had enough liars in my life as it is, liars who have torn me apart and broken my heart. Liars who have shredded my hopes and dreams, and blatantly stomped on them and tossed them around like dirty garbage. So please don't lecture me on liars and expect me to act shocked and suddenly pathetic. I know this may be overreacting, but seeing as i am at a emotional part of the month, i felt like my feelings should be expressed one way or another. Whether he can read this or not, whatever.

PS: i do get confused, and write weird things that might not make sense, but that's just who i am, if you cannot understand me, or believe me then so be it. I am no liar. I actually consider myself one of the few true people out there, i mean, i do make the little odd white lie now and again, but then who doesn't. Gosh.. i really am out on a limb here aren't i? Right, I've realized i have overreacted.. and i shall leave this post before i go on to write something truly horrible. I guess now i look back at the conversation i just had, i realise it was just a bit of mockery. All the same, everything still implies to anyone willing to don me a liar.

Goodnight, i am off to lala land, to dream about a certain someone, things that can only ever happen in my dreams.
Nezzy
x

2nd February 2010

The past two weeks have felt so heavy on my mind; not much has happened, but stress with the upcoming exams, my mom being locked away... everything just felt like it's getting a bit too much. The fact I am so self-conscious, and unsure about myself also doesn't help... I think I just need a bit of change in routine. I'm better now though, I'm quite strong I guess... I just put it all behind closed doors. Although sometimes in the evenings when I'm alone and not chatting to anybody, everything caves in and i get a tad bit depressed. Like hail on a harsh tin roof, it all tends to hit me hard, but just in the evenings.
I've found a slight resolution though...My guitar. It just, makes me so so happy, I cannot describe it. I don't know all the notes too well, but i reckon that I have a pretty good knack for playing it.
Also been listening to quite a lot of 'Just jinjer' lately, Love it. Got a CD from Pipsy yesterday with a shit load of Jazz music on it. Surprisingly... I ADORE it. I mean, it has artists on it that I love, artists such as Jamie Cullum, The script...etc...and some interesting new ones along with them. Think my taste in music's starting to change course a bit... oooh...
Love Pipsy so much... she's probably one of the most sincere, truest people I've ever met. Glad I've met someone like her here! ... Not that the others here are bad... Gaya-razzi, Joey... Dan, Banana.. Fried chicken..Vivi... u guys rock my world.. and that's saying a lot. Whoops! Nearly forgot my far-away friends, Jackaroo.. Taylor.. you guys are just too awesome to put into words.

I'm quite happy with my position here in Arusha right now...not hated by anyone..That I know of anyway...

It's pissing me off so much right now. Such a fucking little contradictory hypocrite. Can't ever make up it's fucking mind about what it really wants. Then it goes and moans about all the teeniest, shitty things that make it's life so unbearable. As if we all want to hear all that shit. It needs to get it's head screwed on properly and get on with it's life. Take a trip back into reality and realise that you've got to make the most out of life, and don't just sit there on your ass and complain about every single, dainty little thing in this oh so miserable life of yours.

OK, enough venting about annoying people.

Hmm.. guys, guys, guys, guys guys! What can I say about them? I have none in my life.. in the romantic department anyway. Absolutely no one...it seems they all think I'm not good enough! Hah.. !I, on the other hand...think it's the other way around. Hence the reason I'm not exactly 'interested' in anyone here. I do, however have quite a bunch of guys as friends, and I absolutely love them to bits. They really help keep me grounded, when the urge to fly away gets so bad that even my closest girlfriends can't drag me back down to earth. I really appreciate them.
I've also come to realise how dear my cousins are to me. My newly remembered ones, WC and Dries especially. Already I feel closer to them than to Pierre or Jacques...And I've barely been in contact with them for a year.

Jacques is just a lost case, it's as if he doesn't even care anymore. It's all his fiance's fault. Dragging him away, distancing him from his family. Stupid cow... I don't dislike people this easily, but I dislike her so much I can feel the heat pulsing off my skin, all simply for that reason. How dare she... wish he would see through her and come back to us..I respect the fact he may be in love, but I don't understand how he can't see what she's doing. I guess love really is blind after all.. but what would I know, Ive never been in love.
I really miss him so much...him and Pierre were like older brothers to me since I was 2 year's old. Wish I could see them all together again, and they can cuddle me and we can have awesome times like we used to. I miss those times so much it aches... I haven't seen WC or Dries since I was two, I saw them last year for the first time since. I truly love them so much... even if we haven't exactly spent that much time together. We talk on facebook though, I feel so close to them now... Gosh, I really truly miss my family. Can't wait to go to South Africa again... my heart will be satisfied then. It's indescribable how much I miss them, it takes up a whole chunk of my heart... I can't even describe the passion I have for my country, even with all it's messed up politics... and presidents.. and corruption.
I miss my mom also... and my older sister, wish it was possible to travel back in time. I could've stopped so many bad things from happening...
Right, random thought here... Gary* must be one of the most handsome, most gorgeous guys I have ever seen... with his shirt off he's a god. No kidding.. but why, why must he be so flippin arrogant...and that lousy attitude of his doesn't do him justice. Sure, Arusha may not be the best town in Africa... it has great people...and you still go out and chill with your 'homies', so stop bloody acting like you're God almighty.. and that you walk on water and lie high above anyone else. Cut. It. Out. Let your nice side take over...
Here's another random thought... considering I'm not getting attached to Billy*, after everything.. is deeply worrying. I mean, we're talking about Inez here, who tends to fall for the tiniest of gestures.. Why on earth, after this huge thing... am I, not getting attached? Like any other normal teenage girl would. What's wrong with me... I don't even have an inkling of feeling for him. I mean, I think he's great... he's a really nice, cool guy...and don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic from the fact that I don't like him that way... But I mean, surely I must be a bit mental? He's 'hot' after all... yes... I think I should definitely be locked away in an insane asylum... where I can fly with the pretty little birdies and they can teach me how to finally think straight.

Yet... I find myself slowly crawling towards another body... I try to deny it. But, you gotta face the truth sometime right? It's not a crush.. oh no.. just a slight.. teeny interest.. from a lonely girl who seeks a bit of comfort from another body. A body to cuddle me when watching movies... someone to tell me everything's going to be alright.. and someone to make me feel cute and special when my clumsy ways take action when I spill the cup of tea... walk into the table, or trip over my feet. Blah... if only life were so simple. Because for now I'll just leave my dreams, as overrated, and exaggerated as they may be... and hope that maybe one day, just maybe, my wishes will get answered... and maybe even come true.

This is the complex mind of a seventeen year old girl. The first journal entry I'm posting on here from yours truly... expect the unexpected! In which case means you should expect more... more writing! Mwahaha... whether you like it or not.
Over and out!
Nezzy x

Untitled

There she sits
In the corner she's alone
Her shadow there so she doesn't get lonely
Folded into a ball
Grasping at parts of herself she hasn't yet lost

Her hair falling around her solemn visage
The gentle tears cascading down her cheeks
Her eyes glossy with fresh moisture
The past few weeks there in her gaze

Let me help you.
Show me the reason.
The pain in your breathing
So hidden, yet still there
Open for those willing to listen
Just to pause, and see what's in front of them
It doesn't take a genius to work out
When someone's hurting
Let me bear your torment
Let me carry your burden

The weight of it all pushing down so hard
Her shoulders slumped over
Lifeless, too tired to go on

Her stooped head
Overworked, too much to think about
Confused about what to do, and where to go
Her world upside down
Everything twisting and turning
Taking off in different directions

Let me help you.
Show me your reason.
The pain in your breathing
So hidden...still there
Open for us who are willing to listen
Who have seen what's in front of them
And worked out
That someone's hurting
I'll bear your torment
I'll carry your burden

Hidden behind your mask
Nobody takes notice
Only seeing the fake persona
You put on

You can't let them see through you
They mustn't see
They wouldn't understand
They'd just show apathy
And pretend to sympathize

Let me help you.
Show me your reason.
The pain in your breathing
So hidden... but definitely there
I'm willing to listen
For I've seen what's there in front of me
And worked out
That You're hurting
I'll bear your torment
I'll carry your burden

The rose blossoms
Gracefully unfolding
She slowly gets up
Takes two steps forward

Ready to take on reality
Just keep strong
Battle Armour out
Gotta fight those demons

Look at her now
On her own
No longer afraid
Like a butterfly

There she goes

(First draft )

Shallow waters - Just Jinjer

I'm leaving, tommorow ...
And I don't know, why.
There's something, that's not right with my soul,
I have no goal, I have no goal.
I'm leaving shallow waters,
I'm leaving all my dreams of you,
I can't go on, I want to run away...
I think I'll go today.
Tommorow, it won't help me at all,
it won't help me at all.

There's something, that I told you and,
you don't know, that it's true,
oh, that it's true now ...
I'm leaving shallow waters,
I'm leaving all my dreams of you,
I can't go on,
I want to run away ...

I'm leaving shallow waters,
all my dreams of you,
I can't go on, I want to run away,
run away, I think I'll go today,
'cos you know, tommorow,
it won't help me at all,
it won't help me at all.

Shallow waters,
all my dreams of you,
I can't go on,
I'm leaving shallow waters.

Ocean lullaby

With eyes closed
I lay me down unto the blanket of sand

Slowly, I open myself up to the rush

The night sky above us sparkling
We watch them intensely
As we try to make sense of this time,
This moment that time has left behind

In our own resilient little bubble
Aware of only each other,
Your eyes gently gaze into mine
As I search your face for a meaning

My oxygen supply gradually empties
As more escapes in every exhale

Burning Fire seems to tear up through my bloodstream
While your fingertips tenderly caress my cheek

I let this rush swallow me whole
Enjoying this sudden enraged heat
As it surges through every molecule

...Seeing you squirm
I know you feel it too

Nothing makes sense...

We're two strangers
Stretched out across each other
Inhaling each others' sweet aroma
As each wave seems to break

Yet, here I am
Finding myself in your stare
As you look into my soul
And seem to find what you're looking for, too

It's as you're reaching out to me
And enveloping my face in your embrace
At this frame in time...
That everything finally makes sense...
And appears to fall right into place.

Even though i am 17, and life practically hasn't started yet, i feel myself facing minor, yet still definite difficulties each week. Why can't life just be simple for once... at least a little bit so that one doesn't feel like plunging her head into a pillow and screaming... shouting out all the furies and frustrations that life has to offer. Set out on a shiny silver platter practically forcing itself on you.. and what's worse, it even has the spitefulness to ask you 'so which one would you like today... boy trouble or body issues?', probably worse for us teenage girls though... but still, i can imagine other problems it can possibly spring up on the unsuspecting prey of tomorrow.

In my opinion, the absolute pits is when you think you've had enough drama to last you at least another few days, then, miraculously! As if by pure spite, a bloody pimple sprouts up on the most visible spot on your face. Then it's, oh nice... now i have to go through public scrutiny.. as if having a less than perfect figure isn't enough! oh lord help me... on second thought, help those dear souls at school who'll have to go through trying not to stare at a disgusting little blemish practically dancing around in front of them all day long.
Then, to accompany the particularly saucy main course of pimple a la embarrassment, is of course, those teachers out there who make it their sole purpose in life to make life especially hard on YOU. yes... they do indeed pick out students to hate on specially... because, here it is; You know how there are those people out there who you just cannot stand. They didn't do anything particularly bitchy.. or annoying, the fact that they're there, just somehow manages to irritate the living hell out of you. They can't help it, but that's not the issue. The issue here is when you are that person, to a specific teacher. Now, that sucks.. because no matter how hard you try to be nice... and sweet.. and put on the ol' puppy dog eyes... you'll still be the one in the whole of the class who gets picked on the most,and get's shat on the most for not doing something right.
For example... whoops, you forgot your ruler. Normally not such a big deal now is it? Wait for it... 'sir, do you by any chance have a ruler that i may borrow for today? i seem to have forgotten mine by accident..' a short pause. 'Inez, inez.. inez, now really, if you're not going to follow the school rules then why do you even bother coming to class?' grumble grumble.. 'disappointing.. blah blah blah..' reluctantly goes and fetches a little ruler.. 'here, make sure you give it back before the end of class' ... 'thanks sir.. will do'. Now.. you think that's the end of it? Nope, you are much mistaken. This is usually followed by endless amounts of 'dissing' in the most subtle ways... 'being a bit blonde today inez?'...'hmmm not really the brightest now are you..' and so on and so on... makes one just want to back-hand slap them across the head and say 'Gosh! get over yourself already!'
I watched the movie 'Avatar' the other night (after a lot of anticipation and begging the father for money to go and see it..), and i have to say... BRILLIANT.. i absolutely LOVED it! The whole thing in animation, it is a masterpiece. Great storyline, great footage... brilliant movie. Just brilliant.. that's all i could probably say, because the whole thing was just so wonderful that I can't exactly find the right words to describe it. It's one of those flicks that make you think afterwords... and just randomly smile. The movie , so beautiful you almost feel like crying. It's got a magical feel about it...and the graphics add to that feeling perfectly. A definite must see, some find the beginning a bit boring, they're wrong. Watch the whole thing. Because, as i said earlier... Avatar is Brilliant. And i shall end this post on that note.

'Sometimes i get so weird, i even freak myself out. I laugh myself to sleep, it's my lullaby...'

'What is up' you ask, what is up? Seriously! Whats up?? Well if you really want to know what is up, I'll tell you. This might come as a shock, so take deep breaths. Now, wait for it...the sky is up. No really, if you pull your head back and look, you'll see my point. Well i guess if you're in a house then a ceiling might be up, but what's above the ceiling?... I'll give you a clue, it's blue.. and has white puffy things floating in it. Yes, you guessed it... the sky! So, you want to know what's up? The sky is up...there's your question answered. Bravo, clap clap clap... woot woot.. ho ho. Now may we please have a decent conversation?
Like...why are Dan Brown's books so darned captivating? I can't seem to put the Da Vinci code down, although it is only fiction, i find each new page more attention drawing that the previous one. I'm so into it that I'm even considering symbology and cryptogoly as ideas for a career! However, speaking to my dad about it has left me thinking otherwise.. still, a girl can have her soft spots! I guess I just get so excited by the idea that some things-symbols..paintings..works of art, architecture..etc-, seem meaningless at first glance, but carry a whole different story and meaning behind it. I find that so... completely and utterly fascinating. If you have read either Angels and Demons, or The Da Vinci Code, you'll see what i mean. I recommend that you read the books though, since the movies are never as good as the books.
An eclipse took place this morning, and even though it was only a partial one, it must have been one of the most intriguing events on my life here on earth that i have ever witnessed. My dream is to see the full solar eclipse, when the moon covers the sun, leavng a bright ring of fire around a blackened round shape. I've seen photos and i find it excuisitely beautiful... i only hope i see one in my lifetime!
Hmmm.. music.. truly is the gateway to one's soul. A glittering tune finding it's way into your head and through the entryway, surging a deep emotion through your body. A feeling in relation to whatever genre is in play...right now its mellow...mellow alternative. Mellifluous songs soaking my weak psyche in sweet harmony. My companion... it never lets me down. Ever wonder why music has this effect on people? Why does music seem like the one thing the world simply can NOT live without? It's like a life drug, there are different types... different types for different tastes.. and once ingested, brings a feeling of contentment.. yet can make one feel horridly depressive at other times. Alas music.. our one alternative to the ultimate happy drug.. hail music! Let's make a toast... let music never die, and let it keep playing saccharine melodies in this corrupt, yet still magnificent planet of ours.
Woah... Now, how exactly did i get onto this topic?? Well i guess i really am just that random... which is not a bad thing.. i mean hey, weird people are good for this world. With us around there's never a dull moment, so no situations arise to bore one out of their mind.
Right... let me finish on an 'un-weird' and 'un-random' note. So as to satisfy those minds out there who don't take to uncanny observations so well. Here's me clicking the button, and leaving this page..

'i'm six feet from the edge and i'm thinking, maybe six feet ain't so far down'

Well here i am, overcome by intense emotion possibly caused by female hormones... or maybe i have some diverse kind of bi-polar disorder which causes me to feel utterly worthless at the most random times in my life. Just wanting to lie here in this intense cerulean atmosphere... and get swallowed whole by my unknown sorrow, i must escape before i get dragged down completely into the land of poignant shadows. In order to do that i must therefore come up with a few reasons that might possibly describe this peculiar behavior of mine!

I feel trapped in an unsightly, overweight exterior that weighs me down continuously. I feel like one of Picasso's masterpieces, except I'm not being put up in the homes of millions to be admired by. I'm more like one of his earlier works; not entirely finished, a bit rough, with plenty of room for improvement. I can physically feel my flaws on me, clawing away at my psychological barriers, leaving me weak to defend myself from harsh acts. Perhaps these may in time satisfy the targets i set out for myself, but not for my physical.. and mental health. Although the fact still remains that i may never feel completely at ease with myself and my personal conflict.. or perhaps it's not fact, just a paranoid thought in the back of my overpowered mind. All i really want is to be loved... the driving force behind these stupidious thoughts of mine. With the love of someone, i can bloom like a flower in spring... petals brightly painted against the lush green grass of an unspoiled meadow, hidden away in the unseen depths of a magical forest. Unfortunately i do not possess the treasure in which those treasure hunters are particularly interested, either that or my place of residence does not play host to those with me tuned in to their radar.
The burdens of life leaving me constantly seeking a means of transporting myself away to world of magic, even just temporarily. Finding such an exportation, i find myself benefiting from this like a thirsty desert dweller coming upon an oasis, after having trekked through the sweltering Sahara for days on end. Usually my saviour comes in the form of thought provoking books... i can read for my country if i am left with a room full of appealing treasuries. A more lively method is simply being in the company of those i am proud to call my friends. They can resurrect me from the deepest pits of oblivion into the tranquil lights of reality.
So, even though i am in need of my mask at times... i cannot hide from my inner self. Although this post may suggest otherwise, i am a cheerful, bubbly person at heart. Only when left on my own, is when i tend to fall, alas this only happens at certain times.