State of mind

Right, well, this can be argued, but I think I am somehow destined to be a writer. The past few months I've been overcome by an irresistible urge to write. Just to sit down, and write... about anything. Anything and everything... even it's about the simplest, plainest, silliest things out there. Therefore I have begun writing a journal again, quite enjoying it to be honest... not just because it helps me when my mind gets filled to the brim of unnecessary thoughts, but just the joy of writing in itself is pleasurable. Although I put off school essays as much as possible ( they still come as huge pressuring factors), I adore writing about myself, and about life.

Contemplating pursuing a career in journalism after I finish school, have decided to become a magazine editor. It's a position I have always romaticised about and, somehow, it just feels so.. right. I've finally find a career, which will put my mini obsessive compulsive disorder about good spelling, grammar and correcting rather defensive persons' work. I mean... art will always be a part of me, and play an important role in my future, but I feel more secure about journalism.. so I guess that's where I'm headed. Most probably studying in Cape town, since its a city I fell in love with many years ago...and the possibility of friends being there, is very, very comforting. I won't be as alone as I fear. The only real insecurity I have of this option is that I fear I am not such a great writer as I may think at times. That people overrate my work, that I overrate it, that I get a bit big headed. My work does not contain the good humour of many admirable writers (I'm talking about you Cammy dearest), it's not as amazing and mature as some of the great works out there. My work is simple, real, and just straightforward, if that's the right word to use. Nothing but lessons, honest opinions, and time will tell. Oh, and can I mention that I took an IQ test the other week, and amazingly, I got 147. An IQ of 147, well imagine that. I was expecting something in the 120'! Oh just picture my surprise!


Had a (very) random photo shoot by myself today... no other explanation than I was simply just in the mood! Put on some red lipstick, and pitch black eyeliner. What can I say, I needed to know if I'm as pretty as my friends say ( no narcism). Well, wore on a black salsa dress, and proceeded to follow a rather Gothic theme shoot. Well, from the photos, I can perceive that I'm definitely not as bad looking as I think I am at times, perhaps even a tad photogenic. In my opinion, every girl needs a fun activity such as this to boost their self esteem once in a blue moon.

Friends. What a complex subject in itself. I reckon high school friendships are both overrated, and underrated. While they may seem of the key importance at the time, when you leave high school, they may as well not have existed at all. I have some awesome friends right now, but at the end of the day, I still perceive that the only person out there truly looking out for me, is myself. Considerably, I am a lone wolf, and alone, I shall head out to conquer that great big world out there.




In a different, more, low note... I have been randomly thinking about my late grandmother lately, who passed away when I was just 7 years old. I did not know her very well, but I know that we were very close, and that I loved her very much, as she did me. I couldn't help but long to know who she was, what her persona was, what she was like. I hear all these stuff from my family, about her quirks and characteristics... yet I wish to have known seen these for myself. I know my mom had a hard time adjusting to her death, and also has been thinking of her a lot lately... but for some reason, the whole instance of her death reduces me to tears every time I think about her. I have also been thinking about my poor, lovable grandfather. I have been smelling him everywhere I went this week. I worried, and still do, that it was some sign as to his health, but I really do not want to delve too much into the paranormal at this time.

I somehow think that the passing of my beloved grandmother and my grandfather's detachment, might be part of the reason I am as I am today. A reason as to why I am so prone to negativity, to be surrounded by happiness, yet feel something entirely different. Honestly, I wish I can visit a good psychologist that can hypnotize me, find out what exactly my problems are, and then tell me. By doing this, I can at least have a basis for fixing myself. What a complex mind and life is that of Inez Hayes.

Amongst other things, whilst discussing my career with my form tutor, I found out that I think very analytically. That I am a thinker, and therefore think too much and analyze everything in detail. Funnily, this fact really interested me. It explains so much about me; from the fact that I criticize myself so much, that I am my own worst enemy, that I may appear slow at times, or in fact a bit dumb. I am actually quite intelligent, but due to the instance that I tend to over think things, the words that come out of my mouth may appear totally out of the blue, or just plain random. I am so misunderstood, yet I am not as dumb or as plain as I thought.

Been listening to a lot of Carlos Santana's stuff lately, and the soft, dramatic chords of the guitar helps a lot when it comes to late night sessions for homework! I really reckon he is an underrated artist. While Jimmi Hendrix may be the named best guitarist this world has seen, Santana is surely not far from it. Ah.. music. It definitely knows how to lifts one's spirits!

Well, hope this entry hasn't been to poignant for my own good, but I just felt like writing. Just felt like writing, no other explanation, no other excuse.

Happy Halloween Everyone!