State of mind

Right, well, this can be argued, but I think I am somehow destined to be a writer. The past few months I've been overcome by an irresistible urge to write. Just to sit down, and write... about anything. Anything and everything... even it's about the simplest, plainest, silliest things out there. Therefore I have begun writing a journal again, quite enjoying it to be honest... not just because it helps me when my mind gets filled to the brim of unnecessary thoughts, but just the joy of writing in itself is pleasurable. Although I put off school essays as much as possible ( they still come as huge pressuring factors), I adore writing about myself, and about life.

Contemplating pursuing a career in journalism after I finish school, have decided to become a magazine editor. It's a position I have always romaticised about and, somehow, it just feels so.. right. I've finally find a career, which will put my mini obsessive compulsive disorder about good spelling, grammar and correcting rather defensive persons' work. I mean... art will always be a part of me, and play an important role in my future, but I feel more secure about journalism.. so I guess that's where I'm headed. Most probably studying in Cape town, since its a city I fell in love with many years ago...and the possibility of friends being there, is very, very comforting. I won't be as alone as I fear. The only real insecurity I have of this option is that I fear I am not such a great writer as I may think at times. That people overrate my work, that I overrate it, that I get a bit big headed. My work does not contain the good humour of many admirable writers (I'm talking about you Cammy dearest), it's not as amazing and mature as some of the great works out there. My work is simple, real, and just straightforward, if that's the right word to use. Nothing but lessons, honest opinions, and time will tell. Oh, and can I mention that I took an IQ test the other week, and amazingly, I got 147. An IQ of 147, well imagine that. I was expecting something in the 120'! Oh just picture my surprise!


Had a (very) random photo shoot by myself today... no other explanation than I was simply just in the mood! Put on some red lipstick, and pitch black eyeliner. What can I say, I needed to know if I'm as pretty as my friends say ( no narcism). Well, wore on a black salsa dress, and proceeded to follow a rather Gothic theme shoot. Well, from the photos, I can perceive that I'm definitely not as bad looking as I think I am at times, perhaps even a tad photogenic. In my opinion, every girl needs a fun activity such as this to boost their self esteem once in a blue moon.

Friends. What a complex subject in itself. I reckon high school friendships are both overrated, and underrated. While they may seem of the key importance at the time, when you leave high school, they may as well not have existed at all. I have some awesome friends right now, but at the end of the day, I still perceive that the only person out there truly looking out for me, is myself. Considerably, I am a lone wolf, and alone, I shall head out to conquer that great big world out there.




In a different, more, low note... I have been randomly thinking about my late grandmother lately, who passed away when I was just 7 years old. I did not know her very well, but I know that we were very close, and that I loved her very much, as she did me. I couldn't help but long to know who she was, what her persona was, what she was like. I hear all these stuff from my family, about her quirks and characteristics... yet I wish to have known seen these for myself. I know my mom had a hard time adjusting to her death, and also has been thinking of her a lot lately... but for some reason, the whole instance of her death reduces me to tears every time I think about her. I have also been thinking about my poor, lovable grandfather. I have been smelling him everywhere I went this week. I worried, and still do, that it was some sign as to his health, but I really do not want to delve too much into the paranormal at this time.

I somehow think that the passing of my beloved grandmother and my grandfather's detachment, might be part of the reason I am as I am today. A reason as to why I am so prone to negativity, to be surrounded by happiness, yet feel something entirely different. Honestly, I wish I can visit a good psychologist that can hypnotize me, find out what exactly my problems are, and then tell me. By doing this, I can at least have a basis for fixing myself. What a complex mind and life is that of Inez Hayes.

Amongst other things, whilst discussing my career with my form tutor, I found out that I think very analytically. That I am a thinker, and therefore think too much and analyze everything in detail. Funnily, this fact really interested me. It explains so much about me; from the fact that I criticize myself so much, that I am my own worst enemy, that I may appear slow at times, or in fact a bit dumb. I am actually quite intelligent, but due to the instance that I tend to over think things, the words that come out of my mouth may appear totally out of the blue, or just plain random. I am so misunderstood, yet I am not as dumb or as plain as I thought.

Been listening to a lot of Carlos Santana's stuff lately, and the soft, dramatic chords of the guitar helps a lot when it comes to late night sessions for homework! I really reckon he is an underrated artist. While Jimmi Hendrix may be the named best guitarist this world has seen, Santana is surely not far from it. Ah.. music. It definitely knows how to lifts one's spirits!

Well, hope this entry hasn't been to poignant for my own good, but I just felt like writing. Just felt like writing, no other explanation, no other excuse.

Happy Halloween Everyone!

A summary

Haven't posted in a while.. again.. let me summarize the last few months in a few short paragraphs..

For summer holidays I took a trip down to my homeland, which is South Africa, and spent a few week long, emotional visits with bits and bobs of my family. The visit with my grandfather was possibly the most heart wrenching. Like any normal old man, he is aging.. therefore getting one step closer to the end of his life here with us. Unfortunately the death of my grandmother and uncle had weakened him and caused him to suffer from Parkinson's.. I cannot possibly describe the type of heartbreaking love I carry for him, that good bye was possibly one of the longest, hardest goodbyes I've ever made.

In a lighter view, I had one of the most enjoyable visits with my great aunt, who is very very dear to me, and whom I love and admire so very much. I still miss our long walks along the breezy beach of Hartenbos, and spotting the porpoises and whales frolicking about in the waves. Next year just seems too long, that goodbye was also hard.. but for a different reason. Even considering all the messed up political dramas, South Africa still holds a deep untouched passion inside my heart. I simply cannot part with my motherland... however, after attending a few years there for college, I'm sure my opinion might alter a bit!


After the awesome visit we had in the land down South, we departed for Namibia where we visited my older sister and future husband. I really missed her, even though when we're together we fight worse than cats and dogs, hey.. I never said I'm fully mature.. I guess no matter how old you get, when siblings get together it's as if they'd entered a time capsule back to the time when arguing over the remote control and pulling at each others hair happened on a daily bases. Love her so much though, I've discovered a whole new protectiveness I have over my family... does it come with age.. I wonder?
Back to Namibia; one of the most exquisite, breathtaking untouched countries in this world. Took a trip down to the coast where the ocean is bluer than the cleanest sapphires, and colder than the inside of a refrigerator. However, the most special thing about it however, is that when you look on your left, you would see a wide span of water, dazzling in the sun.. and on the right, well, you find a magnificent, velvety desert spread out around you. That's Namibia. After that we headed to Sossusvlei, an actual desert in the heart of Namibia, with blood red sand shifted from the Kalahari desert, it was.. simply amazing. You would have to experience it for yourself to truly feel the magnificence radiating off the country.

Unfortunately, all good things come to an end.. and we retired back to our home, Tanzania. The last year of my school had started, and it is exciting, as well as overwhelming and depressing.. not just the work, but the fact that we are now one step closer to leaving our nests behind.. our shelter of motherly, paternal love and protection. But hey, I guess I'm one step close to becoming an adult! Which is terrifying, as well as exciting... to fully register. I'll get over it.

Now I'm on the topic, I celebrated my 18th birthday the other day, and it was..awesome. Absolutely legendary. I loved every moment of it, didn't think I had such amazing friends as I did on that day. Sweet, sweet memories. Oh, I have a pool now.. and a very hyperactive jack Russel who is fanatical about balls... so, put a bunch of teens into a backyard with a pool and a soccer ball.. add a jack Russel and you can imagine the mayhem! Good mayhem though.. very good!

On a more personal basis, I feel the best that I have in a very long time. For some strange scientific reason, as soon as I got off the plane, I started losing weight and I'm happy to report that (in my opinion) I am looking great. I feel great, look great, great family, great friends.. what more does a girl need! Boys? nah.. I figured I really don't need that kinda drama in my life.. having them as friends are just fine!

Let me end on the quote of a very great writer whom I admire very much. P.J Schoemann.

'Herinneringe, mooi herinneringe, is die droe brandhout wat elke mens vir hom versamel vir die donker winternagte wat vir een en almal van ons erend op die ver paaie wag'


'Memories, beautiful memories, is the dry firewood which each person collects for himself for the dark nights which awaits each and every one of us somewhere on the far paths ahead'

13th July 2010

I am so bad.. I haven't posted anything down here in a while... Guess I need to be punished! Now, shall I get to updating on all the recent hubbub?

I have been spending a hell of a lot of time with my favourite Algerian Angel here in Arusha... going out and getting up to mischief! She has indeed taught me lots on the lessons and mysteries of life.. and eating pop tarts at 2 o' clock in the morning!

Finally done with school.. only got a year left! That is so scary.. especially the fact that I am indeed turning 18 in two months.. hmm, looks like I've got to do what I can to preserve my youth!
On a pleasant note, I won the English and literature award at my school... I can safely say that I was shocked, impressed... and so psyched! As my good friend Cammy's mom told me; 'A South African girl getting an award for English! That is something!' I feel so too... especially since I have a teeny bit of a compulsive disorder on words being spelled right!

On something a bit more dramatic... a very good friend of mine (Pipsy) got mistreated by some of her friends before her high school graduation. I was so shocked.. and so angry. The one girl had supposedly been her friend the whole year.. someone she shared a deep intimacy with. One day a new girl shows up and steals her friendship. Pipsy starts feeling as if the new girl is hitting on her boyfriend... but since we all like the new girl (and honestly thought she was such a sweety) we told her that nothing of the sorts was going on. Next thing we know, my dear Pipsy is being stabbed in the back by that friend who was trying her utmost best to get the new girl and Pipsy's boyfriend together. A bunch of racist comments.. scrabbling out of names and drama and just a hell of a lot of unfairness followed. Pipsy really does not deserve it... but what can one do.. I've tried to talk to the new girl, but all she did was deny everything... everything I KNEW to be true. Guess you really cannot trust anyone in this world of ours.... a pity.

Rather a lot of guys seem to be interested in me lately.. and all I seem to do is set my eyes on one person and ignore the rest... Maybe I am a Meany.. who knows. I do know though that I am picky... and I need to start letting my guard down a bit! Enjoy life and forget about my worries!

Off down South to the motherland on the 29th.. and between me and you.. I really cannot wait! Shopping.. family.. sight seeing..smell.. and did I mention shops and good food! Then I'm off to the splendid desert sands of the great Namibia to visit my dearest older sister... again, I truly can't wait.. a trip like this is only destined to be great!

Got a second bout of the dreaded flu again now... it sucks. The last time I had it was about three weeks ago... and sounded a bit like a drunken goose. Let's see what I end up sounding like this time round! Any guesses??

Well goodnight all ye, take care and may the sky not fall on yer heads!
x

Mirror talk

Bored... so bored...so so so bored...
Let me post a poem I came up with the other day
In the last remaining hours before shutting my eyes
to sleep. I was in one of my rather darker moods...
Although I still like it a great deal, as I feel it explains
a part of me no one else can see.

This crawling hatred
Inside me blooms

Every Spring of gloom befalls.

The twin I turn to
stares aghast,

Distorted visage
and body wrath.

Tear away
this flesh forbid,

It doth not end
at gates of sin.

Thank you

Thanks. Thanks or making my life just that much less boring. Less boring is surely better than boring now, isn't it? Yeah.. girls absolutely love to hear about how much of an easy slut they are, so desperate and pathetic that they would have sex with a drunk in the back of a van. Thanks for adding the drunk part.. it truly emphasises the desperation, non? The best I think, is saying all this to the one person I truly dislike, all in the act of getting into her pants. This indeed deserves a big round of applause, so clap clap for you Mr hot shot, let's not hope for a standing ovation.. but oh wait, there is more.
Thanks for talking to me on facebook and skype, sending the clear message that we are indeed friends. You came to my town, thanks for calling me up and letting me know you're here.. for offering to meet up and all that jazz that usually follows. I figured it out though.. you did it to woe me, so that whenever you come up here, I would be a quick and easy piece of ass you could get as you please... yeah that sounds about right, and then drop me like a piece of hot toast if you spot someone better.
Now, I'm sure I've heard this come from your lips... When you're friends with someone, you would give your all to spend time with them, and do all that you can for them. Yeah.. thanks for ignoring the messages I sent and the calls I gave, I see that you were having just so much a better time with others that you decided you couldn't be bothered having me there. Yeah.. I guess I need to learn to stop caring so much for my friends.. doing my utmost to make them feel awesome and indeed giving my all to spend time with them. Thanks for opening my eyes to see that doing all this is such a waste of time. I mean.. what's the point in caring so for someone, when it's pretty obvious they couldn't give a rat's ass whether you're alive.. or if you're so close to tears at being treated with so much disrespect; being treated like no one special when you see them at the fair.
Yes. Thanks for everything... when I first met you, you really weren't that spectacular in the looks department. Yet you possessed a great personality that threw me off my feet and think that 'hey, now here is a cool guy'. You made me feel great, but right now, and I say this with all the dignity I can muster. I probably feel the shittiest I ever have for a long time. So thanks for that too..
You know, I would have thought that I've been bullshitted enough to last me the rest of my teenage hood, I really don't feel like any more.
So, Thanks. Really.. who would have known I would be given such an ideal opportunity not to eat and to finally lose some weight.
Go ahead and score some hot chicks, and drink some beer. For I know that you really don't give a sh**.. , and if you could read this you'd scarcely have read but five lines, and then decided that being ignorant would be a far better option as far as you're concerned; but you know, I have lose it sometime.
Being in such a state with tears at hand, at having been deceived...by a friend, forget anything to do with romance. I have decided I am going to turn lesbian. Life would be just so much simpler. For one, I wouldn't have to deal with assholes such as yourself.
Have a good life

Late night rambling

Listening to John Mayer right now and imagining a scene
Where he would be singing to me
While a hoard of girls would look upon me with utmost jealousy
'Cause I would be the one those beautiful words
Are directed at.




Ah, if only such fantasies were real
But then, a girl can dream can't she?
Talking about dreaming....
Wouldn't it be fair,
Just to let one of our favourite dreams come true?
Just one.
That's all I ask really...
For one dream, just one.. could ensure a place of utter contentment
For a while, at least.

If not a dream,
A wish!
All this endless gentle eyelash blowing..,
Wishing upon shooting stars
and blowing out birthday candles
Maybe it would all be worth it
If one actually came true!

Which brings me to magic
It really would be a phantasmagorical life
Of that filled with magic.

So I guess the answer is to marry a magician.
Someone to truly bring the magic out of life
But then, magic can be brought about in many ways..

In casual conversation with my dear mother the other day
I told her that
In order for me to marry someone
That person would have to be:

A) A chef
B) A musician
C) A chocolatier

D) A writer (or have a good knowledge and understanding of literature and one who appreciates books)

E) A magician
F) A comedian

G) A bad guy is never a bad thing either... but let's stick to the basics

They must ride a motorbike, for since I can't...and do not own one of these beautiful machines, if my future husband has one.. Presto!
I can take him on rides, now there's a thought for ya

However...
As we all know
Life has many twists and turns
You never know what it might present you
...
And teenage girls tend to build many castles in the sky
And dream big
with overactive imaginations
But that's never a bad thing...
A person with a good imagination can go far in life
Look at Walt Disney..

Now, before I carry on my late night
Randomnosity... I shall remove myself from your presence
And go back to reading Pride and Prejudice...
One of my favourite books
...or perhaps I shall watch some TV first
Hmm...

Anyhoo.. Cheerio
Nezzy xx

Teenage Blues

Here I sit, the afternoon after writing my first Biology exam.. one of three exams that I'm absolutely scared shitless of... Nearly thought I was gonna end up hyperventilating so bad that they would have to drag me off on a stretcher... So, after spending many never-ending hours pouring over notes and diagrams about how life works...
(was too scared to revise at first because, as embarrassing as it is.. I was scared that I might revise wrong and end up forgetting everything when sitting in the exam room)
...the exam itself was not as bad as I thought it was... was actually beginning
to feel a bout of confidence coming out as I answered each question...
However, coming out that dreaded room and conversing with my fellow biologists.. I think I may just have flunked that paper. Oh well, as much as it hurts..
I guess I can always take the exam in October. Blah.
I used to be the smart one... But I guess all things change! Now I'm the dummy among a bunch
of smart people...oh joy!

Think I've sneezed too many times... bumped into too many things.. gotten hit on the head with too many balls...
My brain cells seem to have decided to take revenge on me
For abusing them on silly things
I'm sorry dear brain cells
Please have meiosis and reproduce more
Brain cells so I can be smart

Well... I guess the world's gonna end in two years...
So! Time to stop stressing about minuscule things such as
Silly people, loneliness and self appearance
...and exams... but they have some importance..
I guess...

At least I reckon I got a pretty good mark in my English! If I didn't
I think I'll just cry...

So.. lemme end this on a better note

When I get older... I will be stronger...
They'll call me freedom
Just like a waving flag

That's if I even get that much older...

Since the world's gonna end and all...


.......................


Guess I'd better start soon!!